Then and Now

i try so hard to...
...do the right thing
...say the right stuff
...feel the right way
...react appropriately
...be better
...be stronger
...be braver
...be smarter
...be more open
...be more understanding
...be...just the way i want myself to be


sometimes i spend a lot of time feeling like my wheels are spinning and i am not going anywhere
like the stress of improving or trying to improve myself can just crush me


everyone has things they dislike about themselves
i think what bothers me most about me though is that i like most of the changes i have made in my life, but a few just seem to suck.


anxiety is a big thing for me
i feel it strongly and often
it can be so hard to let people near me when i feel anxious for many reasons that would take hours to explain. 
i just stress out a lot.
and i try to let my friends close so they can help me through it but then i stress about how they will react to it
i dont want to be a burden on them in any way
not that any of my friends have ever given me a reason to believe that they view me as a burden
and maybe my concerns in that area are not supported by much. im not saying it is logical. i am just saying i dont want my stress to stress anyone else out either. everyone has enough of their own stuff going on.


i get frustrated because i feel like i went through hell and back in high school and coped just fine. but now that i am away from the stressors i had back then and have room to breath i can now process how truly crappy some of the stuff i went through was. 
my brain never used to have a problem with it probably because it never had time to think about it. but now that i do i feel like a mess sometimes. 
it would be awesome to be like i was in high school and take everything in stride and with a smile on my face.
that just doesnt seem to be who i am anymore.


usually i end my posts with some awesome revelation about how i have grown up so much. i dont know how i really feel right now. so instead i think i will leave it like this
and hope that i will re-read this in the future and at THAT point in time maybe i can be proud of myself for growing past my anxiety.