My Good Friend Fred

So, I am still in good ol' Seguin. My friends that are here were all taking finals today, but i finished mine yesterday. I was here still because i had some unfinished business to tend to aka waiting for a tow truck to come take one of my best friends away. 


i would not say i normally cling tightly to all of my belongings, but a couple of my stuffed animals and my car, Fred, i have clung to like flea on a dog. There is something secure and comfortable about these things to me. Mainly my car.


I have tried to pin point what it is that makes me so attached to this car that no longer can get me from point A to point B, but nothing has seemed to justify the extreme loss i feel when i think about it. There are so many reasons to love my car, but i feel like i am invested in this car as though it were a person. and a person, it is not. 


I have been through so much with that car. in high school and my first year of college it was a get away. I would always take the longest way home or to church that i could find and if i wasnt ready to get out get i would just go around the block a few times. maybe take an adventure to see streets i hadn't been on and stuff like that. i would sit in that car for hours with my friends after JROTC practices and just talk. hours upon hours of just idling and talking. 


I got that car my sophomore year of high school, so it has been with me for about six years or so.  i know its weird traits like the whistling noise the AC makes and that the trunk door was replaced and then i broke it again. the AC is the fastest i have ever felt. the stereo was my whole first pay check from Quizznos. it got me all the way to lubbock and back several times. 


it is so hard for me to let go of what has always been. and that car was always there. mainly because it is a car and does not have a choice. it is where ever i put it. i never had to worry about if it was too busy or had something else to be doing. that car was always right there. and it has always been reliable. 


the transmission is going out now and that pretty much totals it out since how old it is. and even though i have this new car (which is still incredibly awesome) i am sad that in the morning Fred will be gone. i am not all emotionally attached to the new car yet and i dont know if i will be or not. it feels like a car. but Fred felt like a person. a person that never lets you down. which is silly to think since the new car is always going to be exactly where i put it as well...but oh well. love just dont make sense now does it?

Friends are Forever

So for any one who does not know, my favorite set of verses from the bible are Ecclesiastes chapter 4 verses 9 through 12. 


"Two are better than one, because they have good reward for their labor. For if they fall one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together they will keep warm; But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken." New King James Version


This has been my favorite verse pretty much since the summer i accepted God into my life. I read it, and all of Ecclesiastes so often that those pages have quite literally fallen out of my bible. As i have grown i have also been able to find more and more depth to this passage. 


It first struck home with me because i did not feel like i had any friendships that could meet the standards of those words. While i had good and reliable friends, i did not feel as though i had a bond with them to the extent of always being there to help each other up or keep warm. this passage was the exact idea of the friendship i yearned to have with someone else. anyone else.


i had my first conversation about this passage with a very dear friend of mine, Ron, who i would consider family any day of the year now. he showed me this deeper meaning to the passage i already loved. he said that friendship is depicted as the Threefold Cord that can not be easily broken; I was one of the cords, my friend (which ever friend...we were talking in very general terms) was another of the three strand cord, and those two cords are woven together by the third cord which is representative of God. God creates this bond and braids the different strings together and includes Himself in the friendship that is being built. i really liked this depiction of friendship and that concept has stayed very strongly with me. 


since then i have analyzed my friendships and compared this verse to them which sometimes can lead to great disappointment, but mostly leads to comfort and joy. i also analyze the verses more and more.

Two are better than one, because they have good reward for their labor...


to me this does not mean they have great reward for labor as in physical labor or jobs that they perform. because really, people can do jobs on their own and still be 'rewarded' or paid. to me the word labor in this context means the labor put into the friendship. friendships are not easy. in fact at some points they are dang near impossible. but when two people set a common goal to put forth a valiant effort to love, support and care for each other they are committing to enduring the labor that it will take for the friendship to be successful beyond just friendly hellos, but to the point of keeping warm together and lifting each other up when they fall. 


For if they fall one will lift up his companion....


this one seems like a little less effort to unpack. one falls down and the other lifts them up. but if you look carefully it does say if THEY fall, not if one falls. so the picture that comes to my mind is a little like this... these two people are hiking and they both stubble and fall. they both struggle to get up, but one succeeds first. this one perhaps succeeds because they were physically stronger to begin with or maybe they were less injured. or maybe it is because they know the other person NEEDS them to be able to get up. no where does it say that one ever falls alone though. when one friend falls, the other falls as well. the other feels the pain that the first feels and he overcomes it so he can help his friend up. but neither falls alone. the other is there falling with him.


But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up...


this person, the one who has not built a relationship with anyone that is woven together by God, he falls alone. no one feels his pain because no one has that love for him that God does. this may be because this person shut everyone out or maybe it is because everyone shut him out. either way, he does not have that friend to be strong for him. to fall with him and then lift him up as he stumbles. this is not to say that God has left him alone because everywhere in the bible says that God does not leave or forsake anyone. but perhaps we should look at ourselves when this happens. when we see someone fall and no one can help them up. maybe it is a failure on our part to love them as God loves them.


Again, if two lie down together they will keep warm...


no, this does not mean sex...from what i see it refers to the fact that body heat helps keep warm. and for two friends to lie down together to keep warm shows their comfort and love for each other. they can lie together and know that it does not have to be awkward. it is just what you do to be warm. and they both love each other to want to lie together and benefit from each others warmth as they let the other person benefit from their warmth as well. 


But how can one keep warm alone?...


same concept as before. this person is left cold and shivering and has no one willing to be comfortable and secure enough to provide that warmth that they naturally posses. it is sad...


 Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him...


there is power in numbers. this has some strong psychological support as well. if one person stands alone they may be more easily manipulated by others, but if they have someone sharing their stance it becomes much easier for them to hold their ground. they can be less influenced by negatives around them and a positive influence on each other. with two people there is also more physical strength than there is with one person and that never hurts lol. i do my best to stand up for my friends even when i know they are wrong. everyone needs someone in their corner. this doesn't mean i do not call them out when they are wrong, but i try not to do so in front of other people so that said friend is not "overpowered" by two people against them.


And a threefold cord is not quickly broken...


i went into this part earlier. the three strands are You, Friend and God braided together to become strong and lasting. a support system that withstands way more pressure than any one person could do on their own. a threefold cord can not be snapped or destroyed under pressure.




I know have many friends that i feel like i could apply these verses to. i try to keep this passage in mind as i develop friendship, though often i fail to love people as God does. in fact, this blog is a little bit to call myself out on that. i do what i can and when i cant, i learn. 


i really appreciate the friends i have in my life that have held me when i am cold and helped me up when i have fallen. i even more appreciate when you guys allow me to keep you warm and lift you up as well. we are in it together and i will be strong for you when you are weak as you have been and continue to be for me. there is nothing more important in this life than love, and the love i feel from my friends is incredible and irreplaceable. there are so many cords braided together in my life that i do not see how it could be possible for me to ever be alone, even if i tried. people love and support me too much for that to happen. you have no idea what that means to me. i won't ever take that for granted.

My Safe Place

So recently i have been working on this self-help-esk book for anxiety. anyone who knows me knows i get anxious especially at this point in the semester when everything is due and finals are starting to creep up in the back of our poor college brains. 
in this book there is a series of questions that help you define what makes you feel "safe"
and i just about died when this book told me to close my eyes and get to my "safe place"


really??? do they really use terms like that? is that suppose to make you feel not-crazy?
yep, that is my exact reaction to almost anything out of my box. 
but i figured what the heck, i obviously got the book because i was out of my own ideas so i might as well try these other silly ideas. make up this fictional so called safe place that doesn't exist in this world. a place you could only dream up. 


this is what i came up with...


i like cool weather with a brisk breeze. that kind that if you had a light jacket you might put it on, but it wasn't cold enough to walk back inside to get one.
the places i feel most comfortable are outdoorsy places where the only noises you hear are ones nature was making long before people were on this planet. sunning water, chirping birds and maybe the occasional scurrying of a raccoon or something. 
i like being around trees that look like they grow into the sky high enough to not be able to see where they stop. especially in the autumn when the leaves are yellow and red, some on the ground and others barely hanging onto the tree for just a couple more days. i would want a tint and some fishing  poles. and probably a butt ton of roman noodles because i know i would throw all the fish i caught back. but just a sleeping bag and tint to sleep in. the bare necessities. (and of course i always have perfect hair in my safe place. priorities people).
i would want this safe place to be a hike away from the real world. no high-ways or even cars allowed at all. maybe just a river that runs into a pond with a big rock that sticks up in the middle of the pond for me to sit on. 
surrounded my the smell of trees, morning due and pollen. with the crunching of those fall leaves under my bare feet. deer to feed and fish to swim with. 


that is my safe place.


i closed my eyes this morning and let that place be the place i was in. i put my mind in that place. i just sat in bed a stayed in that place. 


yep. God proves me wrong again. this place i thought did not exist...it really does. it does not because i can see it or you can see it but because i say it does. and because i can go there and you can go there with me. (my safe place is always welcome for company, but you get hugs in my safe place so be warned). it's real not because it is a place that can be driven to or a destination to be reached. its real because it is what peace is. at least that is what peace is for me. that is how peace look, feels, sounds and smells. it's a place that God has given me that i can go to no matter what state i am in or how busy i am. it is just there. waiting for me to decide that's where i want to be. 


so, i do agree that everything i just said sounds silly and ridiculous. i really do. but that peace was overwhelming in me throughout this day so far. so i don't care if its silly. because it makes me feel good. i know i probably wont always go there when i should, but i will try. and when i forget, maybe i will look back on this and remember that God made a safe place for me and He made it inside of me. 

The Ultimate Weight Loss Solution!

So, for anyone who doesn't know, I recently lost a TON of weight! 
It has been crazy and cool! I cannot even tell you how much weight I lost in just a couple of months!


It started out really small and not really all that noticeable. But now, the difference is very clear!


You see, I had put on quite a bit of weight here in college. I guess that is pretty typical, eh?
I am sure that cutting back on JROTC workouts and did not help either. 


This weight was really starting to get me down though. I was not happy with who I was looking at when I looked in the mirror. 


I saw a girl, lost in her past, failing classes, not doing too much good for herself or anyone else and a girl who just was not happy. I could see the weight I was carrying all over me, my body and mostly my face. 


So I started looking for a solution to all this extra baggage and weight that I have been lugging around for all this time. And I found it. 


I sat down and prayed for many a day for some sort of resolve. After a few important conversations with a few of my close friends something clicked for me. This weight that I saw in the mirror came not from the pounds on the scale, but the guilt and pain in my heart. 
My friends pointed out some key things that are probably more apparent to other people than they were to me at the time. And a few of my deeper thoughts and beliefs finally came together to turn my regrets and guilt into something more rational. They helped me see that my guilt came from regretting my past and the pain that came with it. From wanting to change my past to make a different today. But my friends helped me to see that I lived my yesterdays the best that I could and if I could have predicted the future I may have tweaked some things, but I cannot punish myself for not being a fortune teller. And to live in regret for things I can't change now takes away from God's light shining through me.  


These realizations were great! And the pounds slowly started to drift off of me. But it was not enough to know God forgave me. I needed to feel His forgiveness and then let me forgive myself. 


So I prayed more. For help to be healthy and happy. And to let go of what was so I can embrace what IS. 
I went to chapel a few Sunday's ago and PG gave this incredible sermon. One of those creep the hell out of you sermons because you think he is talking to only you and only about your life, but you know you haven't mentioned anything about this to him ever. Yeah, gotta love those! I call 'em Goosebump Sermons. Anyway...
This sermon was about how we as people get filled up with great things, but if we never release them we get too full and break open and fall into pieces and crazy stuff! And that the point of the gifts we have in our life is not to hoard them, but to share them. To take them in and let them go. I felt like the same was applicable to the not so fun stuff. Just got to take it in and let it go. So PG starts handing out candy from a prop he used and when he got to me he handed me a rock (in the sermon the rock represented certainties in life, like Love). I was very okay with this because I really like rocks. Yeah, I am one of those people.  But then I prayed with this little rock in my hand. And an idea struck me...
So I prayed over this rock for a little over a week. I prayed all of my worries and stresses into it. I prayed my past into it. My guilt into it. My hopes that distract me from God's will for me. Anything I could think of that I needed to let go of, I prayed those things into my little chapel rock. Then I decorated it and I prepared to let it go. I told some of my friends about what I was letting go of they (being the freaking awesome friends that they are) totally supported me in the best ways. And they joined me as I laid down my rock and left it. I left it away from me and where I live. And away from sight. 


As I laid down my rock I cried a lot. I knew it was time to let go of what was. A lot of the things I had to let go of where painful to walk away from. Some of it felt great to leave behind, but it was mostly just really hard. As we walked away though I dried my eyes and I felt the rest of the extra weight rise off of me. I think it stayed with that rock. It is there for me to remember how far I have come and the lessons I learned. But it is also there to be THERE and not hanging around with me. Life is for the living. And so we must go on living. 


I can't tell you how good it feels to have this weight lifted. I looked into the mirror when I got home and I smiled. Because what I saw was a beautiful, strong, brave, loving, caring person. And most importantly a lover of God.




I don't know what weight you are carrying around or how long it has been with you. But I hope you find peace with that weight one day so you can leave it in your past. And live in the now. It isn't to say that I will never feel stressed, guilt or pain ever again. But it is that I will be able to let it have its proper place in my life and escort it out when it has worn out its welcome. I hope that kind of relief can be experienced by everyone. Even if it is just once. 

Listen to What i am Not Saying

So, the title of this is a line from the Mask Talk i mentioned in a previous post. 

Its a line that had drifted out of my head until my friend Connor posted it on my facebook actually.

Since last night something has been bothering me and i just think this title fits with what was on my heart.

Also, i would like to say that i am going to talk about really personal stuff that not even all of my family know about yet. I don't think many people read this, but if you are reading it, please be respectful of me and the topic. and if you are in my family and reading this, please understand that i love and trust you all, its some stuff just doesn't come up at thanksgiving dinner and such. my parents do know! so, no disrespect intended and i am sorry.

To the actual blog now...

I have had this understanding for a long time that every person has their own story that other people may or may not know. The people i pass by on my way to class have stories, my professors have stories, my pastor has a story, you reading this: you have a story.

Some people's story is known by many. Whisperer about behind their backs or they are just open about it. Others have stories that only close friends know, if that, and of course God knows all of our stories.

But we aren't God

we don't know peoples lives from start to finish and even if we could watch every minute of their lives like a movie, we would never know how someone else feels. they feel what only they can feel. Whatever the worst thing they have been through is the WORST thing they have been through and it can't be compared to someone else's "worst thing" because they are different people with different experiences. 

Just like we don't know their stories, they don't know ours.

Which brings us to the foot-in-mouth phenomena that has been closely effecting my life recently.

While having a discussion that included myself and another girl from my school about different views on statutory rape. The conversation became fairly heated and she blurted out, "well obviously you have never been raped." I can point out several reasons why one should never say something like that to a stranger, but i will give her this, the conversation did become somewhat a debate and she in fact did not know anything about my story. Including the fact that a guy i once knew actually did force himself on me when i was in high school. 

many people have probably heard me say something to the effect of "practice what you preach, but only if you are preaching love"

i can tell you, love is not what i was feeling for this girl. what i was feeling was, gee i would love to brake her nose right about now. but the good news is, is that i did not brake her nose! i just left the situation, went back to my room and later vented to my friends which always seems to help.

So here we are, me and this girl and she says this to me. She does not know anything about my story so it is hard to really hate her guts for it. If she had known that i had gone through that and said something similar, that would be different. 

But that isn't the case.

She knew her point of view on the topic and did not agree with mine. The best conclusion i can some up with is that she wanted a reason to dismiss my opinion so that she did not have to push herself outside of her box and comfort zone.

Like i said, i don't hate the girl and i am sure she feels like crap-ola now, but what she said hurt. I don't know why it hurt, but it hurt badly. And no one can un-say words that were not thought out. It is what it is. 

I really have no idea how to rectify the situation, so if anyone has any ideas, i am up to hearing them. I can say that my anger has greatly decreased and i do not want to injure this girl in any way. i do realize that the comment was not intended to be malicious. But you can not unshot a bullet that has exited the barrel of the gun. 

So this was a round about way of saying this...

The lesson i learned (or re-learned) last night was that every word needs to be thought out in advance before it is spoke. Opinions should be heard out even when they are not agreed with. And each person should look at each person they talk to as an unknown story. Because somewhere inside every person, even the strongest, is a a pressure point that can make them drop to their knees.

Mean Girls

So, I have always known that there are "mean girls" out there

Those ones that are nice to your face and mean behind your back

The ones that make jokes about you that are half humorous and half extremely hurtful

The ones that talk about people they hardly know.

i definitely used to be one of those girls.  

i am sure i have times that i still am one of those girls

its a hard habit to break, especially if you never know you're doing it

i don't think many people do these things with the intention of hurting someone, but the truth is, it hurts everyone

i never saw how much it happens right in front of my face til this school year

my friends do it, other peoples friends do it, people do it in line waiting for food.

i am trying really hard to not be 

i have heard a lot of stuff this school year that just makes me think, "what if that person heard you saying this about them?" and "Would you be saying it if they were sitting right next to you?"

going into my relationship with my fiance i agreed with him that i would never do anything while he is NOT around that i would not do if he WAS around.

its been a very good thing for us because it leaves no grey areas.

its either okay or its not, end of story.

i have no idea why it has taken me a year and a half to realize that i can apply the same thought to all of my relationships!

wouldn't the world be a more comfortable place if we could do that?

but i don't think its enough for me to just not participate in these Mean Girl behaviors.

i don't want to support it by listening to other people do it either.

so this is my new rule for myself...

if i would not say it to their face, i won't say it behind their back

if i would not want them to hear it, i don't want to hear it.

this is going to be a lot easier said than done

so what i need from anyone that reads this is accountability

call me out when you think i am being a Mean Girl

...i won't lie being called out puts anyone on edge and i am sure i will be defensive, but know that i won't hate ya for it. 

i'll come around to remember that i need to practice what i preach 

especially since what i always preach is LOVE

all for Love and Love for all

this blog post is for someone i have not talked to in a really long time.
someone i have no intention of talking to again.
i have had so much to say to them for so long.
i used to feel a NEED to say it.
but over the summer i learned that saying the words to someone who is not ready to hear them does more harm than good and the words i felt so desperate to say, they always showed in my actions. this person should know these feelings of mine. but in the off chance that he does ever see this. in case he never knew. or if he is finally in a place to hear the words that i need to say, here they are.


i forgive you.
i never hated you.
and while i can not say that i was ever IN love with you, i never stopped loving you.
you hurt me so badly.
you tore me to shreds then picked up the pieces only to tear them up more.
you terrorized me for reasons i do not think i will ever understand.
people will never understand this, but you know me, so you should.
i did see all the bad things you did.
i was not dumb.
i did put all the pieces together.
but i saw how wonderful you were as well.
i saw how nice you could be and how much love you had in your heart
while no one would give you a chance and look past the jerkish front you put up,
i saw who you really were on the inside.
i saw who you WANTED to be.
and after seeing that i could never hate you.
i hate the things you did.
those things will stay with me forever.
they effect my life day to day
they effect every relationship i have had since i met you.
but i still forgive you.
i do not have any anger towards you anymore.
and while what happened between us still stays on my mind, it does not control my life.
God does that part.
and what i always wanted you to know
what i always wanted to tell you,
in case you never heard.
God loves you
He loves you so much
He loves you with love that cannot be changed.
no matter what you have done, God still loves you
i do not know where you are in life right now.
hopefully in a better place than last time i saw you.
but if not
it is not too late.
you can be who you want to be
you can be that guy that was fighting to break free
i really believe that.
i have prayed for you every single day since i last saw you
every single day
sometimes several times a day
and i forgive you for everything
be the best you that you can be
Peace and Love,
sarah

Masks

So, a while back (i guess sometime around 4 years ago) i went to a camp and one of the topics was masks that people wear. I am not going to post it because honestly i dont remember the exact details but here are some of my thoughts i have about my own masks.


I learned a lot about myself this summer. i went into the summer having made the decision that my life had to change and i could not put off the change any longer. so my goal was to at least get started on my way to self discovery or whatever other term you would like to give it. 


one thing i learned is that it has always been much easier for me to be who i think people close to me want to see. it is easier than saying, :no, that is who you are, but it is not who I am." It is easier to let people see what they wish and tuck the rest away, pretending that you fit that mold of who they anticipated you would be. this applies to parents, family, friends, teachers and anyone else that i have a relationship with. everyones opinion and faith would mold my own, or what i adopted as my own without much thought. 


but what i discovered is that i was living my life through other peoples faith and not my very own. i had tweaked my feelings to fit theirs and if someone disapproved of my actions i quickly tried to back peddle. i would talk myself into believing what they believe. the problem is...i do not believe it. and i am getting to a place in my life where i can hear what the people around me are saying and see where they are coming from, but at the end of the night i am living by what i believe in. without shame. i love conversations about faith because i am learning to think critically of what i believe in myself. i just love it. 


i think trying to seem well put together is a mask common throughout the world. it is a mask i try to maintain, but for anyone that knows me, i dont hide my feelings well and my emotions are usually plastered all over my face. but i never talk about what is really wrong unless it is with my roommate, best friends or my fiance. i think that is pretty normal. no one wants to walk around in a t-shirt saying "look at what is going on in my life today". honestly, i think anyone who did that would get many funny looks. the concept is fascinating to me though. how bold would it be to share with people you have never seen before and may never see again. id think it would be intense, but i digress. 


The Mask I Never Wore:


over the summer i worked at burlington coat factory (shout out to my favorite job yet!). one of the girls i met offered to give me a make over (since i have never even owned a tube of lip stick). i declined and we had a nice conversation. i have never been a make-up person (though i have always desired curly hair!). at first i refused to wear it because i never knew how to put it on and there was no way i was going outside looking like ronald mcdonald. but as i developed a relationship with God through high school and college i realized my feelings about it has changed. this summer i thought about trying some out and then i looked and the mirror and said "NO! i walk around with enough masks and i refuse to carry another!" maybe my thoughts are a bit exaggerated but you know what. i just dont need it.


i am beautiful. i dont mean to be conceited, but i just am. i was a beautiful drooly baby. i was a beautiful chubby little kid in my tie-dye swim suit and red cowboy boots. and i am beautiful just the way i am today. i am one messed up, pudgy, frizzy haired, freckly faced, beautiful woman. sometimes i dont see that. sometimes i dont even want to see it. sometimes i feel like i dont deserve to feel as pretty as i do because the ugly things in my past. but in the end, God made ME. and God just dont make JUNK. 


i was asked if i would go all out on my wedding day and get my make-up done professionally. i said yes. because God made me the face i have every day. and i dont think there is anyone more qualified to make me a beautiful bride than Him. so i will walk down the isle with the freckly face and gigantic toothy smile He gave me. and He will be glad. and so will i and my future husband. :)


i think this blog for me is a way to be more open. to be a little bit more me and a lot less mask. so when i say i am always open for conversation no matter how big, small, deep or light, it is true! and i would love to talk to you.

Love

Love is one of the biggest four letter words i have ever heard. 

It is a word that can change a life forever by being heard or by NOT being heard.

And to hear it does not mean you feel it. 

There is the love of family: 

That love that is there no matter what even though there is no other real reason than they are biologically related to you. I know, I know. Its sounds weird to say it like that, but really... that is the only reason for your initial love for that person. Love past that is much more, but that is how it starts.

Then there is love of friends:

These are the people you chose to keep in your life. The people that you depend on and depend on you. For some people their friends are their only family. Friends love each other through everything. You forgive them when they hurt you and they do the same. When you fall they are there to help you back up. I think this kind of love is so special because these are not people that were forced to like you. And when i have a true friendship i love how real it can get. You learn where boundaries are and you poke fun at each other. You sometimes argue and disagree. But at the end of the day when you need a hug, your friends are the ones that are there to hug you. I would not say i have a ton of friends. I definitely have less real friends than i do facebook friends and even less friends that i have shared my life story with. But that is what makes them so special. They are special because they know you and see you in a different way than everyone else does. 

Next is Romantic Love:

I never believed in this love when i was younger. Love was for fairy tales, but not for real life. Not for lack of examples because my parents are still together and my uncles and aunts that i am mostly around in my family are all still with the person they married. Maybe it was not that i did not believe in love. Maybe it was more of me not believing in love for myself. I never believed that anyone could love me in that way. I always felt like i had so much love in my heart, but no one to give it to. I knew how i viewed this love; this sacred, beautiful, lasting, true, forever, wonderful, blissful, you-make-me-the-best-kind-of-crazy LOVE. I have been in some crazy relationships including one relationship of Three and a Half Years. He would say things like, "Oh when we are married...it will  be like this" or "When we have kids and live together...life will be so good". It put me on edge a lot because i never saw those things in our future. I never really saw myself staying with him forever and being this happy family with kids. I knew our relationship too well to know that, that could never be US. i at least knew it couldnt be me. Our relationship went from bad to worse and we finally broke it off.

I fell for the next guy i dated so quickly. Who wouldnt love a gentleman? It only lasted three months and while i never understood why he broke up with me i am so thankful he did. We are so much of different people now. He will always be my best friend, but i couldnt look at him as anything else than a best friend again. No more and no less. 

Then there is Patrick... :)

I was finally in a place in my life where i was totally okay with being single and love was not a hunt for me anymore and this kid walks into my life. I loved him before i dated him. As cheesy as it sounds i knew he was special the week after i met him when i ran into him at Sam's West at Texas Tech and he hugged me. I got tingles on every inch of me and could feel all my organs in my tummy swirling. Thus, love happened. Unexpectedly; unannounced; unstoppable. He treats me like a fairytale princess in every way. And i am happy to say that we are ENGAGED!! he is the only man i have ever been able to look at and picture a future with. Picture having kids with. Picture living with. He stole my feelings of being unlovable and discarded them from sight.i love him like crazy.

Lastly, but for sure not least, Agape Love:

This is Godly love. Unconditional, unbreakable and complete love. Its the way God loves us and the way He wishes we would love each other. 

The love willing to give His son

The love willing to pursue me even when i dont acknowledge Him

The love willing forgive and forget sins no matter how big or small

The love willing heal brokenness and pain

The love willing to see the perfect you instead of the flawed you

The love that would sit with you on the curb and midnight while you release your feelings

The love that meets you where you are instead of where you should be

The love that adores you

The love that is inescapable 

The love that is for all. No matter color, gender, sexuality, height, capabilities, shortcomings, achievements, failures, mistakes or wrongdoings.

The love that knows all tongues and all hearts.

The love you can not hide from.

The love that loves you even when you dont know how to love yourself. 

That is some powerful love. 

Love

Love

Love

Love

Love

Eccl. 4: 9-12

Two are better than one,
Because they have good reward for their labor.
For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.
But woe to him who is alone when he falls,
For he has no one to help him.
Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him,
and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
~~Eccl. 4: 9-12


This is by far my favorite set of verses in the bible. It depicts how i view my friendships and really, how i view all of my relationships. It is also a section i struggle with continually.


A threefold cord (or as in other versions of the bible say: a cord of three strands) is not quickly broken. In relationships i feel as though i myself count as one of the strands, my friend counts as the second strand and we are woven together by the third strand: God. how powerful is that? to me, it is incredible.


the reason this has been a struggle for me is because i am not that outgoing girl i wish i was sometimes. i feel awkward in almost any situation, weather there is reason for it or not. and establishing true friendships is not a strong suit for me, though i am working on that!


when i read "woe to him who is alone when he falls" i cringe. it takes me back to a place in my life when i did feel alone and i fell hard. looking back on the situation i can now see i was never alone, but at the time it was just me in my head. just me falling alone with no one to help me up. and as i was down on the ground i worked so hard to convince everyone that i was okay. i became so good at faking happy that i even started to lie to myself and try to convince myself that i was happy, when i knew i wasnt. this time in my life was before i ever really accepted God. i went to Christmas and Easter mass with my parents and other than that on one spoke of God, at least not that i ever heard. God to me was a fairy god-mother in a story book that people could only dream up. 


i had recently split up with my boyfriend of 3 and a half years when a guy at my school (who later became my best friend) invited me to church camp. this camp is where i saw Gods love for the first time. it was the first time i witnessed Him move not only in other peoples lives, but in my own heart. and also at this camp i read Eccl. 4: 9-12 for the first time. i let out so many feelings there that had been trapped in me for so long and it was liberating. i knew that from then on i need healthy relationships (unlike the ones of my past) and the way to do that is to have God based relationships. 


since then i have grown up a lot. i have become a lot more honest with the world, but more importantly i became much more honest with myself. i admitted to myself that i was not okay and was not going to be okay if i kept fighting battles on my own. so i began to let people in and share my story with them. its funny now because way-back-when i would never consider telling a soul about my past, but now i am fairly comfortable with speaking about it to anyone who asks. i am okay with admitting that i have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and i am okay with who i am.


it feels so good to feel just okay. i havent felt it for a long time.


so i apologize if i seem awkward or if i ever make anyone feel like i dont want to be friends. i am just really shy. but i can say two things about myself:
One: If you ask me a question, i will answer honestly as long as it is a question about me and not someone else. if you wanna know about someone else i think you should ask them :)
Two: i will try to love you like God loves you. i am not perfect and my feelings can get hurt. but i truly do try to love on everyone i can. i am very open minded and even if i disagree with you on something, i will listen to your opinion on it and really think about your view. if we still disagree after that, ITS OKAY i will still love you!