Monday, February 27, 2012

Then and Now

i try so hard to... the right thing
...say the right stuff
...feel the right way
...react appropriately better stronger braver smarter more open more understanding the way i want myself to be

sometimes i spend a lot of time feeling like my wheels are spinning and i am not going anywhere
like the stress of improving or trying to improve myself can just crush me

everyone has things they dislike about themselves
i think what bothers me most about me though is that i like most of the changes i have made in my life, but a few just seem to suck.

anxiety is a big thing for me
i feel it strongly and often
it can be so hard to let people near me when i feel anxious for many reasons that would take hours to explain. 
i just stress out a lot.
and i try to let my friends close so they can help me through it but then i stress about how they will react to it
i dont want to be a burden on them in any way
not that any of my friends have ever given me a reason to believe that they view me as a burden
and maybe my concerns in that area are not supported by much. im not saying it is logical. i am just saying i dont want my stress to stress anyone else out either. everyone has enough of their own stuff going on.

i get frustrated because i feel like i went through hell and back in high school and coped just fine. but now that i am away from the stressors i had back then and have room to breath i can now process how truly crappy some of the stuff i went through was. 
my brain never used to have a problem with it probably because it never had time to think about it. but now that i do i feel like a mess sometimes. 
it would be awesome to be like i was in high school and take everything in stride and with a smile on my face.
that just doesnt seem to be who i am anymore.

usually i end my posts with some awesome revelation about how i have grown up so much. i dont know how i really feel right now. so instead i think i will leave it like this
and hope that i will re-read this in the future and at THAT point in time maybe i can be proud of myself for growing past my anxiety.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Can't we all just get along?

Sometimes it gets me really down when people act like they have a say in who other people are or how they should be. 
It's okay not to like every one.
It's okay not to like every quality a person possesses.
But who are you to criticize? 
Who are you to say that you know best?
If that person is not hurting you then why tear them down?

I hate when people are mean to me.
Especially about things that have no effect on their lives at all.
Leave me alone. 
Let me be me.
If you don't like me, that is fine.
I don't live under the assumption that everyone should or would.
But don't be mean.

This whole thing seems very hypocritical at best.
But it is what is on my mind and has been for a few weeks.

If you don't have anything nice to say
Don't feel like anyone really needs to hear your hateful words.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Emotionally Wrecked? Or Emotionally Blessed?

I, for one, am a very emotional person. i would like to believe i am also fairly logical in most cases as well, but i am for sure an emotional being. 

For years in my life i have hated crying. i would hate crying in front of people. i hated crying alone in my room. the only really place i was comfortable crying was in a burning hot shower. 
crying seems to make emotions even stronger. 
i am not one of those girls that looks ridiculously cute when they cry either. 
i am gross.
my nose runs like it is in a marathon and my face gets as red as a strawberry.
i am just a gross, nasty crier. 
and what bothered me the most about crying was that it made me feel so weak. 
i have never liked to look at myself as a weak person, but when tears flood down your face and breathing gets hard it becomes difficult to see yourself as strong.
i am an emotional wreck. 
i will cry at nearly anything that gets me too happy or too sad or even too angry. 

but here is what i think is more true.

tears do not have to symbolize weakness or emotional fragility. maybe it can mean more.
maybe it can mean that you FEEL something. you have not blocked the world out of your life and shut down any chance of getting hurt. 
maybe you gave someone a chance, or two or fifteen. and maybe they need a sixteenth and maybe you will cry again. but maybe those tears just keep you connected to humanity.
they are not always a sign of this huge weakness.
tears mean you care.
tears mean that something matters to you.
that you opened up your heart to be vulnerable and someone hurt you, but you were strong enough to let them into your life and not shut them down.

the tears will dry.
you will get stronger.
and then you face the choice.
do you prevent the future tears?
do you protect yourself at the cost of isolating your heart from feeling anything?
do you build walls and burn bridges?
or do you forgive and continue to love and try?

no, tears do not mean you are weak.
tears mean you are strong.
you are a strong person that continued to let people into your life. 
you are a strong person who refused to harden their heart.

tears can make the outside so ugly.
but tears make peoples' souls shine.

i know what i feel and i FEEL a lot.
maybe i am a wreck. but i am a blessed wreck. 

and today is not the day that i am going to stop crying. 
i hope that day never comes. 
tears are beautiful.
they are real.

Luke 17:3-4 ESV Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, (4) and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”