So I have not posted in a while, but this is something that has been on my mind NON-STOP for ohhhh the past year-ish. So hold on tight.
When people say that a wedding day is all about the bride and groom. They LIE. The wedding has so little to do with the bride and groom. The HONEYMOON is for the bride and groom and most importantly the MARRIAGE is for the bride and groom, but the wedding is for everyone else.
I think this crossed my mind when I started drowning in wedding plans.
The ever famous question, "Well, what does the bride want?"
Well frankly, when it comes to most of this planning this bride just doesn't care!
This bride wants everyone else to be happy!
(though that goal is impossible at best)
I have ideas for the wedding and somewhat of a vision.
That being said, if it rained cats and dogs, the flowers were wilted and the cake said happy 50th Bambi, I would probably still be more than happy. Confused...but happy.
Trying to accommodate everyone else for this big event is HARD.
Weather people don't like the date, or the whether or the time or the this or the that...
It's just hard.
I think think what makes it the hardest is that I just don't care as much as everyone else seems to.
The date is so the most important people in my life would be able to attend.
December was because I don't like to sweat
The fact is you have to make the decisions
The most important decision I made though, was my groom.
I look forward to the wedding, but much more so the Marriage I get to have with one of the most incredible people to ever grace my life with their presence.
I get to wake up to a person that calls me beautiful when I have crazy hair and eye crust (sexy...I know)
I get to hold hands with the person that relaxes me through my tough days.
I get to kiss the lips that tell me they love me and mean it
I get to dance with the person that makes me feel like nothing else in the room matters
I get to hug the arms that collect my tears when I am sad
I get to cuddle with the person that makes me feel safest.
I get to (one day) raise children with my best friend
I get to support the person that supports me
I get to learn with the person that challenges me
I get to love the person that loves me
And the best part is...
I get to do that everyday for the rest of my life.
Even if the wedding day is a big flop.
Even if my dress is a couple sizes bigger than I'd like
or if my cake isn't perfect
or the party is small and simple (like I prefer anywho)
I get the ongoing experience of a lifetime.
No party is better than that.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Friday, May 4, 2012
Challenge Accepted
Life has this obnoxious way of challenging people on a daily basis. Even though it is silly, it seems like life throws you a curve ball and when it sees you handled it well life takes that as a challenge to see how long it takes for it to knock you off your feet.
Writing has always been an outlet for me and generally speaking i am more comfortable with expressing myself in written words than talking. Maybe it is because i stutter. Maybe it is just because i have the time to edit the words to make them come out the way i wanted them to. Either way, here is some of my life at the moment. When i get past all this stuff and read this on later in life hopefully everything worked out just fine. I imagine it will.
First, my new apartment. I am super excited about this. Feeling safe is a HUGE deal for me. I get along with most of my roommates remarkably well, but there is something about having a place that is YOURS to go to. Potentially a control issue? But having a place where if someone is there it is because you invited them. If you want to change something, you change it. If you want alone time you have your own spot. If you want a party, you have a spot. Dinner for two? Covered. Dinner for four? Sure, why not? More than that and you'll probably have people eating on the living room floor, but you get the point. Since i have been in college, it seems like no space is really mine. But, the new apartment is a place for me to feel completely comfortable. And comfort equals safety more times than not for me. Quite a few people i know have issues with non-married co-ed living. Those people have made their opinions quite known. But in my opinion, one of the best things you can do for your future marriage is to not go in blind. Love does not pay bills. Love does not clean. Love does not fix everything. Love can lead you to fix what needs fixing, but you still have to put in the effort. And better to know sooner rather than later if it is going to be more effort than either of you expect. Not to mention, my fiance and I have been doing the long distance thing for two years. I am ready to have him in my day-to-day life. So there is that.
My second issue is that i have inadequacy problems. It takes 10 "atta girls!" for every "you suck". It is easier to focus on the 'you suck' comments. Past that, many people are good at identifying what bothers them and tend to not notice when things improve. So, if someone tells me i need to work on a particular area in life, i usually will. And when they don't notice, i feel like i failed anyway and that the time and energy was wasted.
Which leads me to this.
I have a incredibly difficult time making friends. When i do get close to someone, i get really really close. That person's opinion then holds weight, whereas most people's opinions i can let roll off my mind if they hurt. Anyone that knows me at all knows that my friends are some of the most important people to me and that i would do darn near anything for them. I think where i hit a wall is that because i feel like i can be so open and honest all the time with these people, it crushes me when they don't feel they can be that way with me. When i commit to people i have a very difficult time letting go of that. But if the other person isn't equally committed. If they have no desire to be. What do you do with that? I keep trying. Unfortunately, this has led to one common outcome. Me being hurt. Me feeling like somehow i should have been able to fix something that was there. I realized last night though that sometimes there isn't anything to fix. At least it isn't always something i can fix. I just feel like if both people in a friendship committed to being open and honest then they could work things out. But it requires both people. I can't hold myself accountable for the other person putting up walls. I can try to get over them, under them, around them or through them. But in the end the walls were the other person's. That is something they have to either be okay with or fix. I can't fix it for them.
I think that is all i got for this one.
Writing has always been an outlet for me and generally speaking i am more comfortable with expressing myself in written words than talking. Maybe it is because i stutter. Maybe it is just because i have the time to edit the words to make them come out the way i wanted them to. Either way, here is some of my life at the moment. When i get past all this stuff and read this on later in life hopefully everything worked out just fine. I imagine it will.
First, my new apartment. I am super excited about this. Feeling safe is a HUGE deal for me. I get along with most of my roommates remarkably well, but there is something about having a place that is YOURS to go to. Potentially a control issue? But having a place where if someone is there it is because you invited them. If you want to change something, you change it. If you want alone time you have your own spot. If you want a party, you have a spot. Dinner for two? Covered. Dinner for four? Sure, why not? More than that and you'll probably have people eating on the living room floor, but you get the point. Since i have been in college, it seems like no space is really mine. But, the new apartment is a place for me to feel completely comfortable. And comfort equals safety more times than not for me. Quite a few people i know have issues with non-married co-ed living. Those people have made their opinions quite known. But in my opinion, one of the best things you can do for your future marriage is to not go in blind. Love does not pay bills. Love does not clean. Love does not fix everything. Love can lead you to fix what needs fixing, but you still have to put in the effort. And better to know sooner rather than later if it is going to be more effort than either of you expect. Not to mention, my fiance and I have been doing the long distance thing for two years. I am ready to have him in my day-to-day life. So there is that.
My second issue is that i have inadequacy problems. It takes 10 "atta girls!" for every "you suck". It is easier to focus on the 'you suck' comments. Past that, many people are good at identifying what bothers them and tend to not notice when things improve. So, if someone tells me i need to work on a particular area in life, i usually will. And when they don't notice, i feel like i failed anyway and that the time and energy was wasted.
Which leads me to this.
I have a incredibly difficult time making friends. When i do get close to someone, i get really really close. That person's opinion then holds weight, whereas most people's opinions i can let roll off my mind if they hurt. Anyone that knows me at all knows that my friends are some of the most important people to me and that i would do darn near anything for them. I think where i hit a wall is that because i feel like i can be so open and honest all the time with these people, it crushes me when they don't feel they can be that way with me. When i commit to people i have a very difficult time letting go of that. But if the other person isn't equally committed. If they have no desire to be. What do you do with that? I keep trying. Unfortunately, this has led to one common outcome. Me being hurt. Me feeling like somehow i should have been able to fix something that was there. I realized last night though that sometimes there isn't anything to fix. At least it isn't always something i can fix. I just feel like if both people in a friendship committed to being open and honest then they could work things out. But it requires both people. I can't hold myself accountable for the other person putting up walls. I can try to get over them, under them, around them or through them. But in the end the walls were the other person's. That is something they have to either be okay with or fix. I can't fix it for them.
I think that is all i got for this one.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Twenty One
It is my twenty first birthday today.
I won't lie, i have given in to the hype of it quite a bit.
But let me tell you what birthdays mean to me.
My birthday is a day specifically there for me to remember all there is there for me to remember and appreciate all that has happened to get me to where i am.
I know 21 seems young.
But as cheesy as it is, to me age is only a number that keeps track of time.
Not all that significant.
It is the experiences in that time that really matter.
And how you chose to handle them.
There are people i wish i still had in my life today.
People i had to let go of even though i did not want to.
But i understand that things today are exactly as they were meant to be.
They have to be.
If they were meant to be different they WOULD be different.
And they arent.
There are things that i would do differently in the past if i could.
But i cant.
So they are the way they are.
There are so many lessons i have learned.
Most of them far from classrooms.
Things that have built who i am as a person.
Experiences that have changed me to the core.
All those things are the things that count.
Not the sunrises you have lived through
Or each breath you have taken
Not the numbers on the calender
Or how tall you have gotten over time.
That isnt how you can see how much you have grown.
Only you can see how much you have grown.
Only you.
I am Twenty One years young today.
I have not reached my peek in knowledge or life experience.
But what i have done is made it to the here and now.
How beautiful a thing that is to me knowing my own experiences.
So today isnt just "let me get drunk because i can day!"
Today is a celebration of my life.
Who i am and who i am not
Who i have been and who i will be
Today is to celebrate my lack of responsibility, because that is just where i am in life.
Today is to celebrate growth in love, relationships, self worth and faith.
Today i get to celebrate me
And who i am meant to be here in this moment.
No worries about what was or what could have been.
Just enjoying me.
The beautiful creation i was meant to be.
I won't lie, i have given in to the hype of it quite a bit.
But let me tell you what birthdays mean to me.
My birthday is a day specifically there for me to remember all there is there for me to remember and appreciate all that has happened to get me to where i am.
I know 21 seems young.
But as cheesy as it is, to me age is only a number that keeps track of time.
Not all that significant.
It is the experiences in that time that really matter.
And how you chose to handle them.
There are people i wish i still had in my life today.
People i had to let go of even though i did not want to.
But i understand that things today are exactly as they were meant to be.
They have to be.
If they were meant to be different they WOULD be different.
And they arent.
There are things that i would do differently in the past if i could.
But i cant.
So they are the way they are.
There are so many lessons i have learned.
Most of them far from classrooms.
Things that have built who i am as a person.
Experiences that have changed me to the core.
All those things are the things that count.
Not the sunrises you have lived through
Or each breath you have taken
Not the numbers on the calender
Or how tall you have gotten over time.
That isnt how you can see how much you have grown.
Only you can see how much you have grown.
Only you.
I am Twenty One years young today.
I have not reached my peek in knowledge or life experience.
But what i have done is made it to the here and now.
How beautiful a thing that is to me knowing my own experiences.
So today isnt just "let me get drunk because i can day!"
Today is a celebration of my life.
Who i am and who i am not
Who i have been and who i will be
Today is to celebrate my lack of responsibility, because that is just where i am in life.
Today is to celebrate growth in love, relationships, self worth and faith.
Today i get to celebrate me
And who i am meant to be here in this moment.
No worries about what was or what could have been.
Just enjoying me.
The beautiful creation i was meant to be.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Then and Now
i try so hard to...
...do the right thing
...say the right stuff
...feel the right way
...react appropriately
...be better
...be stronger
...be braver
...be smarter
...be more open
...be more understanding
...be...just the way i want myself to be
sometimes i spend a lot of time feeling like my wheels are spinning and i am not going anywhere
like the stress of improving or trying to improve myself can just crush me
everyone has things they dislike about themselves
i think what bothers me most about me though is that i like most of the changes i have made in my life, but a few just seem to suck.
anxiety is a big thing for me
i feel it strongly and often
it can be so hard to let people near me when i feel anxious for many reasons that would take hours to explain.
i just stress out a lot.
and i try to let my friends close so they can help me through it but then i stress about how they will react to it
i dont want to be a burden on them in any way
not that any of my friends have ever given me a reason to believe that they view me as a burden
and maybe my concerns in that area are not supported by much. im not saying it is logical. i am just saying i dont want my stress to stress anyone else out either. everyone has enough of their own stuff going on.
i get frustrated because i feel like i went through hell and back in high school and coped just fine. but now that i am away from the stressors i had back then and have room to breath i can now process how truly crappy some of the stuff i went through was.
my brain never used to have a problem with it probably because it never had time to think about it. but now that i do i feel like a mess sometimes.
it would be awesome to be like i was in high school and take everything in stride and with a smile on my face.
that just doesnt seem to be who i am anymore.
usually i end my posts with some awesome revelation about how i have grown up so much. i dont know how i really feel right now. so instead i think i will leave it like this
and hope that i will re-read this in the future and at THAT point in time maybe i can be proud of myself for growing past my anxiety.
...do the right thing
...say the right stuff
...feel the right way
...react appropriately
...be better
...be stronger
...be braver
...be smarter
...be more open
...be more understanding
...be...just the way i want myself to be
sometimes i spend a lot of time feeling like my wheels are spinning and i am not going anywhere
like the stress of improving or trying to improve myself can just crush me
everyone has things they dislike about themselves
i think what bothers me most about me though is that i like most of the changes i have made in my life, but a few just seem to suck.
anxiety is a big thing for me
i feel it strongly and often
it can be so hard to let people near me when i feel anxious for many reasons that would take hours to explain.
i just stress out a lot.
and i try to let my friends close so they can help me through it but then i stress about how they will react to it
i dont want to be a burden on them in any way
not that any of my friends have ever given me a reason to believe that they view me as a burden
and maybe my concerns in that area are not supported by much. im not saying it is logical. i am just saying i dont want my stress to stress anyone else out either. everyone has enough of their own stuff going on.
i get frustrated because i feel like i went through hell and back in high school and coped just fine. but now that i am away from the stressors i had back then and have room to breath i can now process how truly crappy some of the stuff i went through was.
my brain never used to have a problem with it probably because it never had time to think about it. but now that i do i feel like a mess sometimes.
it would be awesome to be like i was in high school and take everything in stride and with a smile on my face.
that just doesnt seem to be who i am anymore.
usually i end my posts with some awesome revelation about how i have grown up so much. i dont know how i really feel right now. so instead i think i will leave it like this
and hope that i will re-read this in the future and at THAT point in time maybe i can be proud of myself for growing past my anxiety.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Can't we all just get along?
Sometimes it gets me really down when people act like they have a say in who other people are or how they should be.
It's okay not to like every one.
It's okay not to like every quality a person possesses.
But who are you to criticize?
Who are you to say that you know best?
If that person is not hurting you then why tear them down?
I hate when people are mean to me.
Especially about things that have no effect on their lives at all.
Leave me alone.
Let me be me.
If you don't like me, that is fine.
I don't live under the assumption that everyone should or would.
But don't be mean.
This whole thing seems very hypocritical at best.
But it is what is on my mind and has been for a few weeks.
If you don't have anything nice to say
Don't feel like anyone really needs to hear your hateful words.
It's okay not to like every one.
It's okay not to like every quality a person possesses.
But who are you to criticize?
Who are you to say that you know best?
If that person is not hurting you then why tear them down?
I hate when people are mean to me.
Especially about things that have no effect on their lives at all.
Leave me alone.
Let me be me.
If you don't like me, that is fine.
I don't live under the assumption that everyone should or would.
But don't be mean.
This whole thing seems very hypocritical at best.
But it is what is on my mind and has been for a few weeks.
If you don't have anything nice to say
Don't feel like anyone really needs to hear your hateful words.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Emotionally Wrecked? Or Emotionally Blessed?
I, for one, am a very emotional person. i would like to believe i am also fairly logical in most cases as well, but i am for sure an emotional being.
For years in my life i have hated crying. i would hate crying in front of people. i hated crying alone in my room. the only really place i was comfortable crying was in a burning hot shower.
crying seems to make emotions even stronger.
i am not one of those girls that looks ridiculously cute when they cry either.
i am gross.
my nose runs like it is in a marathon and my face gets as red as a strawberry.
i am just a gross, nasty crier.
and what bothered me the most about crying was that it made me feel so weak.
i have never liked to look at myself as a weak person, but when tears flood down your face and breathing gets hard it becomes difficult to see yourself as strong.
i am an emotional wreck.
i will cry at nearly anything that gets me too happy or too sad or even too angry.
but here is what i think is more true.
tears do not have to symbolize weakness or emotional fragility. maybe it can mean more.
maybe it can mean that you FEEL something. you have not blocked the world out of your life and shut down any chance of getting hurt.
maybe you gave someone a chance, or two or fifteen. and maybe they need a sixteenth and maybe you will cry again. but maybe those tears just keep you connected to humanity.
they are not always a sign of this huge weakness.
tears mean you care.
tears mean that something matters to you.
that you opened up your heart to be vulnerable and someone hurt you, but you were strong enough to let them into your life and not shut them down.
the tears will dry.
you will get stronger.
and then you face the choice.
do you prevent the future tears?
do you protect yourself at the cost of isolating your heart from feeling anything?
do you build walls and burn bridges?
or do you forgive and continue to love and try?
no, tears do not mean you are weak.
tears mean you are strong.
you are a strong person that continued to let people into your life.
you are a strong person who refused to harden their heart.
tears can make the outside so ugly.
but tears make peoples' souls shine.
i know what i feel and i FEEL a lot.
maybe i am a wreck. but i am a blessed wreck.
and today is not the day that i am going to stop crying.
i hope that day never comes.
tears are beautiful.
they are real.
Luke 17:3-4 ESV Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, (4) and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”
For years in my life i have hated crying. i would hate crying in front of people. i hated crying alone in my room. the only really place i was comfortable crying was in a burning hot shower.
crying seems to make emotions even stronger.
i am not one of those girls that looks ridiculously cute when they cry either.
i am gross.
my nose runs like it is in a marathon and my face gets as red as a strawberry.
i am just a gross, nasty crier.
and what bothered me the most about crying was that it made me feel so weak.
i have never liked to look at myself as a weak person, but when tears flood down your face and breathing gets hard it becomes difficult to see yourself as strong.
i am an emotional wreck.
i will cry at nearly anything that gets me too happy or too sad or even too angry.
but here is what i think is more true.
tears do not have to symbolize weakness or emotional fragility. maybe it can mean more.
maybe it can mean that you FEEL something. you have not blocked the world out of your life and shut down any chance of getting hurt.
maybe you gave someone a chance, or two or fifteen. and maybe they need a sixteenth and maybe you will cry again. but maybe those tears just keep you connected to humanity.
they are not always a sign of this huge weakness.
tears mean you care.
tears mean that something matters to you.
that you opened up your heart to be vulnerable and someone hurt you, but you were strong enough to let them into your life and not shut them down.
the tears will dry.
you will get stronger.
and then you face the choice.
do you prevent the future tears?
do you protect yourself at the cost of isolating your heart from feeling anything?
do you build walls and burn bridges?
or do you forgive and continue to love and try?
no, tears do not mean you are weak.
tears mean you are strong.
you are a strong person that continued to let people into your life.
you are a strong person who refused to harden their heart.
tears can make the outside so ugly.
but tears make peoples' souls shine.
i know what i feel and i FEEL a lot.
maybe i am a wreck. but i am a blessed wreck.
and today is not the day that i am going to stop crying.
i hope that day never comes.
tears are beautiful.
they are real.
Luke 17:3-4 ESV Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, (4) and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”
Saturday, January 28, 2012
It wasn't meant to be easy
loving your neighbor is always easier if your neighbor does "love-worthy" things...
but the path that God puts us on challenges our faith and strength.
He never said it was easy.
He said it was right.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
It takes more than love for a relationship to work
So i have been doing many more blogs recently than i had before. not sure what that means, but hey, i like writing what i feel and looking back on it later. it also gets me to focus on the things i really like about life and helps me to appreciate them. so here is another post!
My fiance and i have had quite a crazy relationship. and by crazy, i do not mean like the other guys i have dated who have broke up with me because i am not "pretty enough", because i won't put put or try to scare the crap out of me. the crazy i feel with patrick is totally opposite of all those things. our relationship is crazy because of how much we want to see each other laugh, how he never raises his voice at me, how we both listen to the other so we can really understand how they feel. but most of all it is crazy how much this kid trusts me. utterly insane. if anyone had ever told me a person could trust the way he trusts me and the way i trust him i would say that person is full of tomfoolery and have nothing of it.
but seriously. one of my favorite things about patrick and my relationship with him is that early on we told each other what we could and could not expect from each other and how we wanted to handle those things.
patrick has stayed so true to every word he told me that day and i find it remarkable.
my biggest concern was one of my best friends (who really, at the time i hardly talked to..but the physical talking isn't what is important, it is the real feelings behind the friendship,eh?). my best friend happens to be a male. and we happen to have a very intensely strong friendship. he has helped me through the roughest times in my life, he has showed me God love for me before i even believed in God and he remains a constant support in my life.
i was terrified that any guy i dated would disapprove of how strongly i hold onto that friendship. but patrick has never even attempted to modify my friendship with james at all. he understands that it is healthy to have more than one "go-to" person, especially with patrick living so far away. and even though james and i get to hang out nearly every day and patrick is in lubbock, patrick still trusts me not to hurt or betray him. he never questions my faithfulness or integrity. beyond that he has expressed how happy he is that i have james in my life to be there for me and be my friend. that is crazy. crazy. crazy. crazy.
patrick and i loved each other from very early on in our relationship (though it took me a great deal of time accepting that lol), but just love on its own is not what got us to this point. Love is what opened the door to patients, kindness, understanding and trust. but undoubtedly you can love someone and lack all of the latter.
i have said it before and i will say many times to come, God has opened up my heart through the people i love and the people that love me. patrick and james both being a couple of those people. i am so blessed to have a best friend that looks out for me to the extent that james does and i am so blessed to have my fiance who allows that friendship to blossom without question. that is crazy love.
My fiance and i have had quite a crazy relationship. and by crazy, i do not mean like the other guys i have dated who have broke up with me because i am not "pretty enough", because i won't put put or try to scare the crap out of me. the crazy i feel with patrick is totally opposite of all those things. our relationship is crazy because of how much we want to see each other laugh, how he never raises his voice at me, how we both listen to the other so we can really understand how they feel. but most of all it is crazy how much this kid trusts me. utterly insane. if anyone had ever told me a person could trust the way he trusts me and the way i trust him i would say that person is full of tomfoolery and have nothing of it.
but seriously. one of my favorite things about patrick and my relationship with him is that early on we told each other what we could and could not expect from each other and how we wanted to handle those things.
patrick has stayed so true to every word he told me that day and i find it remarkable.
my biggest concern was one of my best friends (who really, at the time i hardly talked to..but the physical talking isn't what is important, it is the real feelings behind the friendship,eh?). my best friend happens to be a male. and we happen to have a very intensely strong friendship. he has helped me through the roughest times in my life, he has showed me God love for me before i even believed in God and he remains a constant support in my life.
i was terrified that any guy i dated would disapprove of how strongly i hold onto that friendship. but patrick has never even attempted to modify my friendship with james at all. he understands that it is healthy to have more than one "go-to" person, especially with patrick living so far away. and even though james and i get to hang out nearly every day and patrick is in lubbock, patrick still trusts me not to hurt or betray him. he never questions my faithfulness or integrity. beyond that he has expressed how happy he is that i have james in my life to be there for me and be my friend. that is crazy. crazy. crazy. crazy.
patrick and i loved each other from very early on in our relationship (though it took me a great deal of time accepting that lol), but just love on its own is not what got us to this point. Love is what opened the door to patients, kindness, understanding and trust. but undoubtedly you can love someone and lack all of the latter.
i have said it before and i will say many times to come, God has opened up my heart through the people i love and the people that love me. patrick and james both being a couple of those people. i am so blessed to have a best friend that looks out for me to the extent that james does and i am so blessed to have my fiance who allows that friendship to blossom without question. that is crazy love.
It takes more than love for a relationship to work
So i have been doing many more blogs recently than i had before. not sure what that means, but hey, i like writing what i feel and looking back on it later. it also gets me to focus on the things i really like about life and helps me to appreciate them. so here is another post!
My fiance and i have had quite a crazy relationship. and by crazy, i do not mean like the other guys i have dated who have broke up with me because i am not "pretty enough", because i won't put put or try to scare the crap out of me. the crazy i feel with patrick is totally opposite of all those things. our relationship is crazy because of how much we want to see each other laugh, how he never raises his voice at me, how we both listen to the other so we can really understand how they feel. but most of all it is crazy how much this kid trusts me. utterly insane. if anyone had ever told me a person could trust the way he trusts me and the way i trust him i would say that person is full of tomfoolery and have nothing of it.
but seriously. one of my favorite things about patrick and my relationship with him is that early on we told each other what we could and could not expect from each other and how we wanted to handle those things.
patrick has stayed so true to every word he told me that day and i find it remarkable.
my biggest concern was my best friend (who really, at the time i hardly talked to..but the physical talking isn't what is important, it is the real feelings behind the friendship,eh?). my best friend happens to be a male. and we happen to have a very intensely strong friendship. he has helped me through the roughest times in my life, he has showed me God love for me before i even believed in God and he remains a constant support in my life.
i was terrified that any guy i dated would disapprove of how strongly i hold onto that friendship. but patrick has never even attempted to modify my friendship with james at all. he understands that it is healthy to have more than one "go-to" person, especially with patrick living so far away. and even though james and i get to hang out nearly every day and patrick is in lubbock, patrick still trusts me not to hurt or betray him. he never questions my faithfulness or integrity. beyond that he has expressed how happy he is that i have james in my life to be there for me and be my friend. that is crazy. crazy. crazy. crazy.
patrick and i loved each other from very early on in our relationship (though it took me a great deal of time accepting that lol), but just love on its own is not what got us to this point. Love is what opened the door to patients, kindness, understanding and trust. but undoubtedly you can love someone and lack all of the latter.
i have said it before and i will say many times to come, God has opened up my heart through the people i love and the people that love me. patrick and james both being a couple of those people. i am so blessed to have a best friend that looks out for me to the extent that james does and i am so blessed to have my fiance who allows that friendship to blossom without question. that is crazy love.
My fiance and i have had quite a crazy relationship. and by crazy, i do not mean like the other guys i have dated who have broke up with me because i am not "pretty enough", because i won't put put or try to scare the crap out of me. the crazy i feel with patrick is totally opposite of all those things. our relationship is crazy because of how much we want to see each other laugh, how he never raises his voice at me, how we both listen to the other so we can really understand how they feel. but most of all it is crazy how much this kid trusts me. utterly insane. if anyone had ever told me a person could trust the way he trusts me and the way i trust him i would say that person is full of tomfoolery and have nothing of it.
but seriously. one of my favorite things about patrick and my relationship with him is that early on we told each other what we could and could not expect from each other and how we wanted to handle those things.
patrick has stayed so true to every word he told me that day and i find it remarkable.
my biggest concern was my best friend (who really, at the time i hardly talked to..but the physical talking isn't what is important, it is the real feelings behind the friendship,eh?). my best friend happens to be a male. and we happen to have a very intensely strong friendship. he has helped me through the roughest times in my life, he has showed me God love for me before i even believed in God and he remains a constant support in my life.
i was terrified that any guy i dated would disapprove of how strongly i hold onto that friendship. but patrick has never even attempted to modify my friendship with james at all. he understands that it is healthy to have more than one "go-to" person, especially with patrick living so far away. and even though james and i get to hang out nearly every day and patrick is in lubbock, patrick still trusts me not to hurt or betray him. he never questions my faithfulness or integrity. beyond that he has expressed how happy he is that i have james in my life to be there for me and be my friend. that is crazy. crazy. crazy. crazy.
patrick and i loved each other from very early on in our relationship (though it took me a great deal of time accepting that lol), but just love on its own is not what got us to this point. Love is what opened the door to patients, kindness, understanding and trust. but undoubtedly you can love someone and lack all of the latter.
i have said it before and i will say many times to come, God has opened up my heart through the people i love and the people that love me. patrick and james both being a couple of those people. i am so blessed to have a best friend that looks out for me to the extent that james does and i am so blessed to have my fiance who allows that friendship to blossom without question. that is crazy love.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Take It Easy
So there is this adorable quality that i poses. losing everything i touch. i can never find my keys, my shoes, my hair ties and God forbid i do not text myself the aisle number i parked in at wal-mart. normally this freaks me out a bit and stresses me out a a lot, but i decided for the most recent time i forgot something to let it be a fun and God filled experience. after all, i do tend to be critical of how little some people have in relation to how much other people have. and what better way to appreciate what you DO have then to lose your purse for a few days?
i am fairly typical when it comes to the things in my purse. there is my license, bank cards, credit card, cash and cute pictures of my and my future hubby. this time (which is not the norm for me) i had my social security card in there as well so i could get it to seguin for when i apply to jobs and such. my keys were with me though. as my parents and i headed out to seguin from houston we stopped at a mcdonald's for breakfast where i left my purse. i didnt know this until hours later when my sister called me saying there was a note on my parents door saying i had left something at said mcdonal's that had my name and address in it and who to contact to get it back. YAY for good samaritans!
usually my initial instinct would be sheer panic, especially knowing that my social security card was being trusted in a stranger's hands, however, i have been working extremely hard to control my anxiety lately and did not want to let this be a set back. i knew if she was going to steal anything, she already would have and probably would have never returned any of it at all. so i took a few deep breaths and called my mom who had already left seguin to head back to houston. she too was very calm, which helped my nerves a lot. (i think i feed off of other people's feelings a lot, so yay for mom being cool and collected!)
we started a set up of who to meet up with and when and where so she could get my purse back for me. enter best friend james. james goes to school with me as well, but was still in houston at the time. he lives a bit of a ways away from me, but was still willing to grab my purse for me whenever my mom did finally get it.
there was a lot of miss communications and such, but finally (and day and a half later) my mom got my purse back and james picked it up.
meanwhile my friends here in seguin were fantastic. thank God for the kindness of strangers and friends :) i did my best not to ask for any more than i really needed and my friends have been fantastic making sure i dont starve to death or anything too crazy. i never realized how hard it can be to ask for food. food for me has been (at worst) a credit card away. normally i could have three meals a day on campus with my dining card. so it was new for me for sure. but i really really raelly did not want to ask for any more than i really really needed.
james gets back here with my purse tonight and i am taking my friends out to dinner, but til then i still want to let this be a good thing. not a bad thing.
i wtill have a bed to sleep in, friends for company (and i am sure food), a shower to wash in and a heater to keep me comfortable. any time my stomach has growled or rumbled through this experience though, i have taken the time to say a quick prayer for all the times that God has provided food to me and my family and all that He has done in my life. and i definitely thank Him for this situation. for being without for a while. i know by tonight i have all my money back and things go on just as they were before. but i hope that i can hold onto the many lessons behind this short adventure: you can be without and survive; ask for help; trust in others because they are not always going to do the easy things to hurt you; thank God for what you have; be thankful for the hearts my friends and family have; live. and to just be okay.
my happiest part of this is that even though coordinating the efforts to get my purse back was difficult i did not let it get me down or stress me out. no panic attacks happened and i am doing just fine with the support of everyone who has been involved :)
so thanks to Davie and mcdonald's for getting my purse to my mom, my mom for being so patient and getting my purse back for me, james for driving all the way to my house to pick up my purse, Liz for lunch and diner yesterday, lauren for endless fun and patrick for keeping my spirits up to and really appreciating the experience i was hoping to get out of this. life has been too good to me. God has been too good to me. and it is too easy to forget that, at least for me it is.
"And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you" Luke 11:9 King James Version
i am fairly typical when it comes to the things in my purse. there is my license, bank cards, credit card, cash and cute pictures of my and my future hubby. this time (which is not the norm for me) i had my social security card in there as well so i could get it to seguin for when i apply to jobs and such. my keys were with me though. as my parents and i headed out to seguin from houston we stopped at a mcdonald's for breakfast where i left my purse. i didnt know this until hours later when my sister called me saying there was a note on my parents door saying i had left something at said mcdonal's that had my name and address in it and who to contact to get it back. YAY for good samaritans!
usually my initial instinct would be sheer panic, especially knowing that my social security card was being trusted in a stranger's hands, however, i have been working extremely hard to control my anxiety lately and did not want to let this be a set back. i knew if she was going to steal anything, she already would have and probably would have never returned any of it at all. so i took a few deep breaths and called my mom who had already left seguin to head back to houston. she too was very calm, which helped my nerves a lot. (i think i feed off of other people's feelings a lot, so yay for mom being cool and collected!)
we started a set up of who to meet up with and when and where so she could get my purse back for me. enter best friend james. james goes to school with me as well, but was still in houston at the time. he lives a bit of a ways away from me, but was still willing to grab my purse for me whenever my mom did finally get it.
there was a lot of miss communications and such, but finally (and day and a half later) my mom got my purse back and james picked it up.
meanwhile my friends here in seguin were fantastic. thank God for the kindness of strangers and friends :) i did my best not to ask for any more than i really needed and my friends have been fantastic making sure i dont starve to death or anything too crazy. i never realized how hard it can be to ask for food. food for me has been (at worst) a credit card away. normally i could have three meals a day on campus with my dining card. so it was new for me for sure. but i really really raelly did not want to ask for any more than i really really needed.
james gets back here with my purse tonight and i am taking my friends out to dinner, but til then i still want to let this be a good thing. not a bad thing.
i wtill have a bed to sleep in, friends for company (and i am sure food), a shower to wash in and a heater to keep me comfortable. any time my stomach has growled or rumbled through this experience though, i have taken the time to say a quick prayer for all the times that God has provided food to me and my family and all that He has done in my life. and i definitely thank Him for this situation. for being without for a while. i know by tonight i have all my money back and things go on just as they were before. but i hope that i can hold onto the many lessons behind this short adventure: you can be without and survive; ask for help; trust in others because they are not always going to do the easy things to hurt you; thank God for what you have; be thankful for the hearts my friends and family have; live. and to just be okay.
my happiest part of this is that even though coordinating the efforts to get my purse back was difficult i did not let it get me down or stress me out. no panic attacks happened and i am doing just fine with the support of everyone who has been involved :)
so thanks to Davie and mcdonald's for getting my purse to my mom, my mom for being so patient and getting my purse back for me, james for driving all the way to my house to pick up my purse, Liz for lunch and diner yesterday, lauren for endless fun and patrick for keeping my spirits up to and really appreciating the experience i was hoping to get out of this. life has been too good to me. God has been too good to me. and it is too easy to forget that, at least for me it is.
"And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you" Luke 11:9 King James Version
Friday, January 13, 2012
Words of Wisdom
Alright, alright so Jenna Marbles is incredibly vulgar and she uses the B word way too much. the moral of the story is pretty awesome though :)
Cant We All Just Get Along <--- Jenna Marbles
Cant We All Just Get Along <--- Jenna Marbles
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Bye See You Later!
So the people on my mom's side of the family always "Bye, see you later" instead of goodbye. This is a tradition that i believe came from one of my uncles as a kid and i really like it, especially now that i am in a long distance relationship.
Christmas break is wrapping up. My fiance just left today and i am not exactly sure when i will get to see him again. For sure in March for spring break, but i am hoping at least once before then as well. When i decided to transfer out of the college we both went to i did not see it working out with us. He was committed to trying so we gave it a whirl.
i think i have been in love with him much longer than i let myself believe it. the distance is what got me to really believe it though. every time we have to part it never fails, i cry like a big baby. usually it starts a couple days before he even has to go. i love all of my friends and family and all. i am even super tight with my two besties at school. but i have never cried at just the thought of being separated from someone for even just a short while.
my poor fiance, bless his heart. holds me non-stop the days that he leaves. today we sat on the couch with my head on his chest and his arm so perfectly around me. i feel so safe in his arms, which is a feat within itself for me. he kept asking what i wanted to do, but i couldnt think of a single thing that was worth leaving his arms to do. so i just said "i want to do this". so we just sat there in each others company, much like the end of most of our visits go.
i thought saying goodbye, or 'bye see you later' would get easier with time. as it turns out, it only gets harder. i am so excited that this is the last semester of this though! he will graduate in may and live with me and life can settle down a little for us. no more 9 hour drives or months without hugs. i will get him every night. i never believed that there was a person i could feel this way about. someone who could take all the things i like about myself and enhance them. to take the happiness that already existed in my life and elevate it. that is true love.
home is where the heart is and soon my home will finally be here with me. God has blessed both of us in so many ways and i am too excited for the adventures ahead of us.
Christmas break is wrapping up. My fiance just left today and i am not exactly sure when i will get to see him again. For sure in March for spring break, but i am hoping at least once before then as well. When i decided to transfer out of the college we both went to i did not see it working out with us. He was committed to trying so we gave it a whirl.
i think i have been in love with him much longer than i let myself believe it. the distance is what got me to really believe it though. every time we have to part it never fails, i cry like a big baby. usually it starts a couple days before he even has to go. i love all of my friends and family and all. i am even super tight with my two besties at school. but i have never cried at just the thought of being separated from someone for even just a short while.
my poor fiance, bless his heart. holds me non-stop the days that he leaves. today we sat on the couch with my head on his chest and his arm so perfectly around me. i feel so safe in his arms, which is a feat within itself for me. he kept asking what i wanted to do, but i couldnt think of a single thing that was worth leaving his arms to do. so i just said "i want to do this". so we just sat there in each others company, much like the end of most of our visits go.
i thought saying goodbye, or 'bye see you later' would get easier with time. as it turns out, it only gets harder. i am so excited that this is the last semester of this though! he will graduate in may and live with me and life can settle down a little for us. no more 9 hour drives or months without hugs. i will get him every night. i never believed that there was a person i could feel this way about. someone who could take all the things i like about myself and enhance them. to take the happiness that already existed in my life and elevate it. that is true love.
home is where the heart is and soon my home will finally be here with me. God has blessed both of us in so many ways and i am too excited for the adventures ahead of us.
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