Monday, February 27, 2012

Then and Now

i try so hard to... the right thing
...say the right stuff
...feel the right way
...react appropriately better stronger braver smarter more open more understanding the way i want myself to be

sometimes i spend a lot of time feeling like my wheels are spinning and i am not going anywhere
like the stress of improving or trying to improve myself can just crush me

everyone has things they dislike about themselves
i think what bothers me most about me though is that i like most of the changes i have made in my life, but a few just seem to suck.

anxiety is a big thing for me
i feel it strongly and often
it can be so hard to let people near me when i feel anxious for many reasons that would take hours to explain. 
i just stress out a lot.
and i try to let my friends close so they can help me through it but then i stress about how they will react to it
i dont want to be a burden on them in any way
not that any of my friends have ever given me a reason to believe that they view me as a burden
and maybe my concerns in that area are not supported by much. im not saying it is logical. i am just saying i dont want my stress to stress anyone else out either. everyone has enough of their own stuff going on.

i get frustrated because i feel like i went through hell and back in high school and coped just fine. but now that i am away from the stressors i had back then and have room to breath i can now process how truly crappy some of the stuff i went through was. 
my brain never used to have a problem with it probably because it never had time to think about it. but now that i do i feel like a mess sometimes. 
it would be awesome to be like i was in high school and take everything in stride and with a smile on my face.
that just doesnt seem to be who i am anymore.

usually i end my posts with some awesome revelation about how i have grown up so much. i dont know how i really feel right now. so instead i think i will leave it like this
and hope that i will re-read this in the future and at THAT point in time maybe i can be proud of myself for growing past my anxiety.

1 comment:

  1. Praying for you girl! I love you!! God is watching over you and loves you so much! Your friends and family are there to support and love you, and that is not going to change!