Sunday, August 28, 2011

Eccl. 4: 9-12

Two are better than one,
Because they have good reward for their labor.
For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.
But woe to him who is alone when he falls,
For he has no one to help him.
Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him,
and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
~~Eccl. 4: 9-12

This is by far my favorite set of verses in the bible. It depicts how i view my friendships and really, how i view all of my relationships. It is also a section i struggle with continually.

A threefold cord (or as in other versions of the bible say: a cord of three strands) is not quickly broken. In relationships i feel as though i myself count as one of the strands, my friend counts as the second strand and we are woven together by the third strand: God. how powerful is that? to me, it is incredible.

the reason this has been a struggle for me is because i am not that outgoing girl i wish i was sometimes. i feel awkward in almost any situation, weather there is reason for it or not. and establishing true friendships is not a strong suit for me, though i am working on that!

when i read "woe to him who is alone when he falls" i cringe. it takes me back to a place in my life when i did feel alone and i fell hard. looking back on the situation i can now see i was never alone, but at the time it was just me in my head. just me falling alone with no one to help me up. and as i was down on the ground i worked so hard to convince everyone that i was okay. i became so good at faking happy that i even started to lie to myself and try to convince myself that i was happy, when i knew i wasnt. this time in my life was before i ever really accepted God. i went to Christmas and Easter mass with my parents and other than that on one spoke of God, at least not that i ever heard. God to me was a fairy god-mother in a story book that people could only dream up. 

i had recently split up with my boyfriend of 3 and a half years when a guy at my school (who later became my best friend) invited me to church camp. this camp is where i saw Gods love for the first time. it was the first time i witnessed Him move not only in other peoples lives, but in my own heart. and also at this camp i read Eccl. 4: 9-12 for the first time. i let out so many feelings there that had been trapped in me for so long and it was liberating. i knew that from then on i need healthy relationships (unlike the ones of my past) and the way to do that is to have God based relationships. 

since then i have grown up a lot. i have become a lot more honest with the world, but more importantly i became much more honest with myself. i admitted to myself that i was not okay and was not going to be okay if i kept fighting battles on my own. so i began to let people in and share my story with them. its funny now because way-back-when i would never consider telling a soul about my past, but now i am fairly comfortable with speaking about it to anyone who asks. i am okay with admitting that i have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and i am okay with who i am.

it feels so good to feel just okay. i havent felt it for a long time.

so i apologize if i seem awkward or if i ever make anyone feel like i dont want to be friends. i am just really shy. but i can say two things about myself:
One: If you ask me a question, i will answer honestly as long as it is a question about me and not someone else. if you wanna know about someone else i think you should ask them :)
Two: i will try to love you like God loves you. i am not perfect and my feelings can get hurt. but i truly do try to love on everyone i can. i am very open minded and even if i disagree with you on something, i will listen to your opinion on it and really think about your view. if we still disagree after that, ITS OKAY i will still love you!

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