Masks

So, a while back (i guess sometime around 4 years ago) i went to a camp and one of the topics was masks that people wear. I am not going to post it because honestly i dont remember the exact details but here are some of my thoughts i have about my own masks.


I learned a lot about myself this summer. i went into the summer having made the decision that my life had to change and i could not put off the change any longer. so my goal was to at least get started on my way to self discovery or whatever other term you would like to give it. 


one thing i learned is that it has always been much easier for me to be who i think people close to me want to see. it is easier than saying, :no, that is who you are, but it is not who I am." It is easier to let people see what they wish and tuck the rest away, pretending that you fit that mold of who they anticipated you would be. this applies to parents, family, friends, teachers and anyone else that i have a relationship with. everyones opinion and faith would mold my own, or what i adopted as my own without much thought. 


but what i discovered is that i was living my life through other peoples faith and not my very own. i had tweaked my feelings to fit theirs and if someone disapproved of my actions i quickly tried to back peddle. i would talk myself into believing what they believe. the problem is...i do not believe it. and i am getting to a place in my life where i can hear what the people around me are saying and see where they are coming from, but at the end of the night i am living by what i believe in. without shame. i love conversations about faith because i am learning to think critically of what i believe in myself. i just love it. 


i think trying to seem well put together is a mask common throughout the world. it is a mask i try to maintain, but for anyone that knows me, i dont hide my feelings well and my emotions are usually plastered all over my face. but i never talk about what is really wrong unless it is with my roommate, best friends or my fiance. i think that is pretty normal. no one wants to walk around in a t-shirt saying "look at what is going on in my life today". honestly, i think anyone who did that would get many funny looks. the concept is fascinating to me though. how bold would it be to share with people you have never seen before and may never see again. id think it would be intense, but i digress. 


The Mask I Never Wore:


over the summer i worked at burlington coat factory (shout out to my favorite job yet!). one of the girls i met offered to give me a make over (since i have never even owned a tube of lip stick). i declined and we had a nice conversation. i have never been a make-up person (though i have always desired curly hair!). at first i refused to wear it because i never knew how to put it on and there was no way i was going outside looking like ronald mcdonald. but as i developed a relationship with God through high school and college i realized my feelings about it has changed. this summer i thought about trying some out and then i looked and the mirror and said "NO! i walk around with enough masks and i refuse to carry another!" maybe my thoughts are a bit exaggerated but you know what. i just dont need it.


i am beautiful. i dont mean to be conceited, but i just am. i was a beautiful drooly baby. i was a beautiful chubby little kid in my tie-dye swim suit and red cowboy boots. and i am beautiful just the way i am today. i am one messed up, pudgy, frizzy haired, freckly faced, beautiful woman. sometimes i dont see that. sometimes i dont even want to see it. sometimes i feel like i dont deserve to feel as pretty as i do because the ugly things in my past. but in the end, God made ME. and God just dont make JUNK. 


i was asked if i would go all out on my wedding day and get my make-up done professionally. i said yes. because God made me the face i have every day. and i dont think there is anyone more qualified to make me a beautiful bride than Him. so i will walk down the isle with the freckly face and gigantic toothy smile He gave me. and He will be glad. and so will i and my future husband. :)


i think this blog for me is a way to be more open. to be a little bit more me and a lot less mask. so when i say i am always open for conversation no matter how big, small, deep or light, it is true! and i would love to talk to you.