Friday, May 4, 2012

Challenge Accepted

          Life has this obnoxious way of challenging people on a daily basis. Even though it is silly, it seems like life throws you a curve ball and when it sees you handled it well life takes that as a challenge to see how long it takes for it to knock you off your feet.          

          Writing has always been an outlet for me and generally speaking i am more comfortable with expressing myself in written words than talking. Maybe it is because i stutter. Maybe it is just because i have the time to edit the words to make them come out the way i wanted them to. Either way, here is some of my life at the moment. When i get past all this stuff and read this on later in life hopefully everything worked out just fine. I imagine it will.

          First, my new apartment. I am super excited about this. Feeling safe is a HUGE deal for me. I get along with most of my roommates remarkably well, but there is something about having a place that is YOURS to go to. Potentially a control issue? But having a place where if someone is there it is because you invited them. If you want to change something, you change it. If you want alone time you have your own spot. If you want a party, you have a spot. Dinner for two? Covered. Dinner for four? Sure, why not? More than that and you'll probably have people eating on the living room floor, but you get the point. Since i have been in college, it seems like no space is really mine. But, the new apartment is a place for me to feel completely comfortable. And comfort equals safety more times than not for me. Quite a few people i know have issues with non-married co-ed living. Those people have made their opinions quite known. But in my opinion, one of the best things you can do for your future marriage is to not go in blind. Love does not pay bills. Love does not clean. Love does not fix everything. Love can lead you to fix what needs fixing, but you still have to put in the effort. And better to know sooner rather than later if it is going to be more effort than either of you expect. Not to mention, my fiance and I have been doing the long distance thing for two years. I am ready to have him in my day-to-day life. So there is that.

          My second issue is that i have inadequacy problems. It takes 10 "atta girls!" for every "you suck". It is easier to focus on the 'you suck' comments. Past that, many people are good at identifying what bothers them and tend to not notice when things improve. So, if someone tells me i need to work on a particular area in life, i usually will. And when they don't notice, i feel like i failed anyway and that the time and energy was wasted. 

Which leads me to this.

          I have a incredibly difficult time making friends. When i do get close to someone, i get really really close. That person's opinion then holds weight, whereas most people's opinions i can let roll off my mind if they hurt. Anyone that knows me at all knows that my friends are some of the most important people to me and that i would do darn near anything for them. I think where i hit a wall is that because i feel like i can be so open and honest all the time with these people, it crushes me when they don't feel they can be that way with me. When i commit to people i have a very difficult time letting go of that. But if the other person isn't equally committed. If they have no desire to be. What do you do with that? I keep trying. Unfortunately, this has led to one common outcome. Me being hurt. Me feeling like somehow i should have been able to fix something that was there. I realized last night though that sometimes there isn't anything to fix. At least it isn't always something i can fix. I just feel like if both people in a friendship committed to being open and honest then they could work things out. But it requires both people. I can't hold myself accountable for the other person putting up walls. I can try to get over them, under them, around them or through them. But in the end the walls were the other person's. That is something they have to either be okay with or fix. I can't fix it for them.

I think that is all i got for this one. 

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