Take It Easy

So there is this adorable quality that i poses. losing everything i touch. i can never find my keys, my shoes, my hair ties and God forbid i do not text myself the aisle number i parked in at wal-mart. normally this freaks me out a bit and stresses me out a a lot, but i decided for the most recent time i forgot something to let it be a fun and God filled experience. after all, i do tend to be critical of how little some people have in relation to how much other people have. and what better way to appreciate what you DO have then to lose your purse for a few days?


i am fairly typical when it comes to the things in my purse. there is my license, bank cards, credit card, cash and cute pictures of my and my future hubby. this time (which is not the norm for me) i had my social security card in there as well so i could get it to seguin for when i apply to jobs and such. my keys were with me though. as my parents and i headed out to seguin from houston we stopped at a mcdonald's for breakfast where i left my purse. i didnt know this until hours later when my sister called me saying there was a note on my parents door saying i had left something at said mcdonal's that had my name and address in it and who to contact to get it back. YAY for good samaritans! 


usually my initial instinct would be sheer panic, especially knowing that my social security card was being trusted in a stranger's hands, however, i have been working extremely hard to control my anxiety lately and did not want to let this be a set back. i knew if she was going to steal anything, she already would have and probably would have never returned any of it at all. so i took a few deep breaths and called my mom who had already left seguin to head back to houston. she too was very calm, which helped my nerves a lot. (i think i feed off of other people's feelings a lot, so yay for mom being cool and collected!) 


we started a set up of who to meet up with and when and where so she could get my purse back for me. enter best friend james. james goes to school with me as well, but was still in houston at the time. he lives a bit of a ways away from me, but was still willing to grab my purse for me whenever my mom did finally get it.


there was a lot of miss communications and such, but finally (and day and a half later) my mom got my purse back and james picked it up. 


meanwhile my friends here in seguin were fantastic. thank God for the kindness of strangers and friends :) i did my best not to ask for any more than i really needed and my friends have been fantastic making sure i dont starve to death or anything too crazy. i never realized how hard it can be to ask for food. food for me has been (at worst) a credit card away. normally i could have three meals a day on campus with my dining card. so it was new for me for sure. but i really really raelly did not want to ask for any more than i really really needed. 


james gets back here with my purse tonight and i am taking my friends out to dinner, but til then i still want to let this be a good thing. not a bad thing.


i wtill have a bed to sleep in, friends for company (and i am sure food), a shower to wash in and a heater to keep me comfortable. any time my stomach has growled or rumbled through this experience though, i have taken the time to say a quick prayer for all the times that God has provided food to me and my family and all that He has done in my life. and i definitely thank Him for this situation. for being without for a while. i know by tonight i have all my money back and things go on just as they were before. but i hope that i can hold onto the many lessons behind this short adventure: you can be without and survive; ask for help; trust in others because they are not always going to do the easy things to hurt you; thank God for what you have; be thankful for the hearts my friends and family have; live. and to just be okay. 


my happiest part of this is that even though coordinating the efforts to get my purse back was difficult i did not let it get me down or stress me out. no panic attacks happened and i am doing just fine with the support of everyone who has been involved :)


so thanks to Davie and mcdonald's for getting my purse to my mom, my mom for being so patient and getting my purse back for me, james for driving all the way to my house to pick up my purse, Liz for lunch and diner yesterday, lauren for endless fun and patrick for keeping my spirits up to and really appreciating the experience i was hoping to get out of this. life has been too good to me. God has been too good to me. and it is too easy to forget that, at least for me it is. 


"And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you" Luke 11:9 King James Version

Words of Wisdom

Alright, alright so Jenna Marbles is incredibly vulgar and she uses the B word way too much. the moral of the story is pretty awesome though :)

Cant We All Just Get Along <--- Jenna Marbles

Bye See You Later!

So the people on my mom's side of the family always "Bye, see you later" instead of goodbye. This is a tradition that i believe came from one of my uncles as a kid and i really like it, especially now that i am in a long distance relationship. 


Christmas break is wrapping up. My fiance just left today and i am not exactly sure when i will get to see him again. For sure in March for spring break, but i am hoping at least once before then as well. When i decided to transfer out of the college we both went to i did not see it working out with us. He was committed to trying so we gave it a whirl. 


i think i have been in love with him much longer than i let myself believe it. the distance is what got me to really believe it though. every time we have to part it never fails, i cry like a big baby. usually it starts a couple days before he even has to go. i love all of my friends and family and all. i am even super tight with my two besties at school. but i have never cried at just the thought of being separated from someone for even just a short while.


my poor fiance, bless his heart. holds me non-stop the days that he leaves. today we sat on the couch with my head on his chest and his arm so perfectly around me. i feel so safe in his arms, which is a feat within itself for me. he kept asking what i wanted to do, but i couldnt think of a single thing that was worth leaving his arms to do. so i just said "i want to do this". so we just sat there in each others company, much like the end of most of our visits go.


i thought saying goodbye, or 'bye see you later' would get easier with time. as it turns out, it only gets harder. i am so excited that this is the last semester of this though! he will graduate in may and live with me and life can settle down a little for us. no more 9 hour drives or months without hugs. i will get him every night. i never believed that there was a person i could feel this way about. someone who could take all the things i like about myself and enhance them. to take the happiness that already existed in my life and elevate it. that is true love. 


home is where the heart is and soon my home will finally be here with me. God has blessed both of us in so many ways and i am too excited for the adventures ahead of us.

My Good Friend Fred

So, I am still in good ol' Seguin. My friends that are here were all taking finals today, but i finished mine yesterday. I was here still because i had some unfinished business to tend to aka waiting for a tow truck to come take one of my best friends away. 


i would not say i normally cling tightly to all of my belongings, but a couple of my stuffed animals and my car, Fred, i have clung to like flea on a dog. There is something secure and comfortable about these things to me. Mainly my car.


I have tried to pin point what it is that makes me so attached to this car that no longer can get me from point A to point B, but nothing has seemed to justify the extreme loss i feel when i think about it. There are so many reasons to love my car, but i feel like i am invested in this car as though it were a person. and a person, it is not. 


I have been through so much with that car. in high school and my first year of college it was a get away. I would always take the longest way home or to church that i could find and if i wasnt ready to get out get i would just go around the block a few times. maybe take an adventure to see streets i hadn't been on and stuff like that. i would sit in that car for hours with my friends after JROTC practices and just talk. hours upon hours of just idling and talking. 


I got that car my sophomore year of high school, so it has been with me for about six years or so.  i know its weird traits like the whistling noise the AC makes and that the trunk door was replaced and then i broke it again. the AC is the fastest i have ever felt. the stereo was my whole first pay check from Quizznos. it got me all the way to lubbock and back several times. 


it is so hard for me to let go of what has always been. and that car was always there. mainly because it is a car and does not have a choice. it is where ever i put it. i never had to worry about if it was too busy or had something else to be doing. that car was always right there. and it has always been reliable. 


the transmission is going out now and that pretty much totals it out since how old it is. and even though i have this new car (which is still incredibly awesome) i am sad that in the morning Fred will be gone. i am not all emotionally attached to the new car yet and i dont know if i will be or not. it feels like a car. but Fred felt like a person. a person that never lets you down. which is silly to think since the new car is always going to be exactly where i put it as well...but oh well. love just dont make sense now does it?

Friends are Forever

So for any one who does not know, my favorite set of verses from the bible are Ecclesiastes chapter 4 verses 9 through 12. 


"Two are better than one, because they have good reward for their labor. For if they fall one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together they will keep warm; But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken." New King James Version


This has been my favorite verse pretty much since the summer i accepted God into my life. I read it, and all of Ecclesiastes so often that those pages have quite literally fallen out of my bible. As i have grown i have also been able to find more and more depth to this passage. 


It first struck home with me because i did not feel like i had any friendships that could meet the standards of those words. While i had good and reliable friends, i did not feel as though i had a bond with them to the extent of always being there to help each other up or keep warm. this passage was the exact idea of the friendship i yearned to have with someone else. anyone else.


i had my first conversation about this passage with a very dear friend of mine, Ron, who i would consider family any day of the year now. he showed me this deeper meaning to the passage i already loved. he said that friendship is depicted as the Threefold Cord that can not be easily broken; I was one of the cords, my friend (which ever friend...we were talking in very general terms) was another of the three strand cord, and those two cords are woven together by the third cord which is representative of God. God creates this bond and braids the different strings together and includes Himself in the friendship that is being built. i really liked this depiction of friendship and that concept has stayed very strongly with me. 


since then i have analyzed my friendships and compared this verse to them which sometimes can lead to great disappointment, but mostly leads to comfort and joy. i also analyze the verses more and more.

Two are better than one, because they have good reward for their labor...


to me this does not mean they have great reward for labor as in physical labor or jobs that they perform. because really, people can do jobs on their own and still be 'rewarded' or paid. to me the word labor in this context means the labor put into the friendship. friendships are not easy. in fact at some points they are dang near impossible. but when two people set a common goal to put forth a valiant effort to love, support and care for each other they are committing to enduring the labor that it will take for the friendship to be successful beyond just friendly hellos, but to the point of keeping warm together and lifting each other up when they fall. 


For if they fall one will lift up his companion....


this one seems like a little less effort to unpack. one falls down and the other lifts them up. but if you look carefully it does say if THEY fall, not if one falls. so the picture that comes to my mind is a little like this... these two people are hiking and they both stubble and fall. they both struggle to get up, but one succeeds first. this one perhaps succeeds because they were physically stronger to begin with or maybe they were less injured. or maybe it is because they know the other person NEEDS them to be able to get up. no where does it say that one ever falls alone though. when one friend falls, the other falls as well. the other feels the pain that the first feels and he overcomes it so he can help his friend up. but neither falls alone. the other is there falling with him.


But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up...


this person, the one who has not built a relationship with anyone that is woven together by God, he falls alone. no one feels his pain because no one has that love for him that God does. this may be because this person shut everyone out or maybe it is because everyone shut him out. either way, he does not have that friend to be strong for him. to fall with him and then lift him up as he stumbles. this is not to say that God has left him alone because everywhere in the bible says that God does not leave or forsake anyone. but perhaps we should look at ourselves when this happens. when we see someone fall and no one can help them up. maybe it is a failure on our part to love them as God loves them.


Again, if two lie down together they will keep warm...


no, this does not mean sex...from what i see it refers to the fact that body heat helps keep warm. and for two friends to lie down together to keep warm shows their comfort and love for each other. they can lie together and know that it does not have to be awkward. it is just what you do to be warm. and they both love each other to want to lie together and benefit from each others warmth as they let the other person benefit from their warmth as well. 


But how can one keep warm alone?...


same concept as before. this person is left cold and shivering and has no one willing to be comfortable and secure enough to provide that warmth that they naturally posses. it is sad...


 Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him...


there is power in numbers. this has some strong psychological support as well. if one person stands alone they may be more easily manipulated by others, but if they have someone sharing their stance it becomes much easier for them to hold their ground. they can be less influenced by negatives around them and a positive influence on each other. with two people there is also more physical strength than there is with one person and that never hurts lol. i do my best to stand up for my friends even when i know they are wrong. everyone needs someone in their corner. this doesn't mean i do not call them out when they are wrong, but i try not to do so in front of other people so that said friend is not "overpowered" by two people against them.


And a threefold cord is not quickly broken...


i went into this part earlier. the three strands are You, Friend and God braided together to become strong and lasting. a support system that withstands way more pressure than any one person could do on their own. a threefold cord can not be snapped or destroyed under pressure.




I know have many friends that i feel like i could apply these verses to. i try to keep this passage in mind as i develop friendship, though often i fail to love people as God does. in fact, this blog is a little bit to call myself out on that. i do what i can and when i cant, i learn. 


i really appreciate the friends i have in my life that have held me when i am cold and helped me up when i have fallen. i even more appreciate when you guys allow me to keep you warm and lift you up as well. we are in it together and i will be strong for you when you are weak as you have been and continue to be for me. there is nothing more important in this life than love, and the love i feel from my friends is incredible and irreplaceable. there are so many cords braided together in my life that i do not see how it could be possible for me to ever be alone, even if i tried. people love and support me too much for that to happen. you have no idea what that means to me. i won't ever take that for granted.

My Safe Place

So recently i have been working on this self-help-esk book for anxiety. anyone who knows me knows i get anxious especially at this point in the semester when everything is due and finals are starting to creep up in the back of our poor college brains. 
in this book there is a series of questions that help you define what makes you feel "safe"
and i just about died when this book told me to close my eyes and get to my "safe place"


really??? do they really use terms like that? is that suppose to make you feel not-crazy?
yep, that is my exact reaction to almost anything out of my box. 
but i figured what the heck, i obviously got the book because i was out of my own ideas so i might as well try these other silly ideas. make up this fictional so called safe place that doesn't exist in this world. a place you could only dream up. 


this is what i came up with...


i like cool weather with a brisk breeze. that kind that if you had a light jacket you might put it on, but it wasn't cold enough to walk back inside to get one.
the places i feel most comfortable are outdoorsy places where the only noises you hear are ones nature was making long before people were on this planet. sunning water, chirping birds and maybe the occasional scurrying of a raccoon or something. 
i like being around trees that look like they grow into the sky high enough to not be able to see where they stop. especially in the autumn when the leaves are yellow and red, some on the ground and others barely hanging onto the tree for just a couple more days. i would want a tint and some fishing  poles. and probably a butt ton of roman noodles because i know i would throw all the fish i caught back. but just a sleeping bag and tint to sleep in. the bare necessities. (and of course i always have perfect hair in my safe place. priorities people).
i would want this safe place to be a hike away from the real world. no high-ways or even cars allowed at all. maybe just a river that runs into a pond with a big rock that sticks up in the middle of the pond for me to sit on. 
surrounded my the smell of trees, morning due and pollen. with the crunching of those fall leaves under my bare feet. deer to feed and fish to swim with. 


that is my safe place.


i closed my eyes this morning and let that place be the place i was in. i put my mind in that place. i just sat in bed a stayed in that place. 


yep. God proves me wrong again. this place i thought did not exist...it really does. it does not because i can see it or you can see it but because i say it does. and because i can go there and you can go there with me. (my safe place is always welcome for company, but you get hugs in my safe place so be warned). it's real not because it is a place that can be driven to or a destination to be reached. its real because it is what peace is. at least that is what peace is for me. that is how peace look, feels, sounds and smells. it's a place that God has given me that i can go to no matter what state i am in or how busy i am. it is just there. waiting for me to decide that's where i want to be. 


so, i do agree that everything i just said sounds silly and ridiculous. i really do. but that peace was overwhelming in me throughout this day so far. so i don't care if its silly. because it makes me feel good. i know i probably wont always go there when i should, but i will try. and when i forget, maybe i will look back on this and remember that God made a safe place for me and He made it inside of me. 

The Ultimate Weight Loss Solution!

So, for anyone who doesn't know, I recently lost a TON of weight! 
It has been crazy and cool! I cannot even tell you how much weight I lost in just a couple of months!


It started out really small and not really all that noticeable. But now, the difference is very clear!


You see, I had put on quite a bit of weight here in college. I guess that is pretty typical, eh?
I am sure that cutting back on JROTC workouts and did not help either. 


This weight was really starting to get me down though. I was not happy with who I was looking at when I looked in the mirror. 


I saw a girl, lost in her past, failing classes, not doing too much good for herself or anyone else and a girl who just was not happy. I could see the weight I was carrying all over me, my body and mostly my face. 


So I started looking for a solution to all this extra baggage and weight that I have been lugging around for all this time. And I found it. 


I sat down and prayed for many a day for some sort of resolve. After a few important conversations with a few of my close friends something clicked for me. This weight that I saw in the mirror came not from the pounds on the scale, but the guilt and pain in my heart. 
My friends pointed out some key things that are probably more apparent to other people than they were to me at the time. And a few of my deeper thoughts and beliefs finally came together to turn my regrets and guilt into something more rational. They helped me see that my guilt came from regretting my past and the pain that came with it. From wanting to change my past to make a different today. But my friends helped me to see that I lived my yesterdays the best that I could and if I could have predicted the future I may have tweaked some things, but I cannot punish myself for not being a fortune teller. And to live in regret for things I can't change now takes away from God's light shining through me.  


These realizations were great! And the pounds slowly started to drift off of me. But it was not enough to know God forgave me. I needed to feel His forgiveness and then let me forgive myself. 


So I prayed more. For help to be healthy and happy. And to let go of what was so I can embrace what IS. 
I went to chapel a few Sunday's ago and PG gave this incredible sermon. One of those creep the hell out of you sermons because you think he is talking to only you and only about your life, but you know you haven't mentioned anything about this to him ever. Yeah, gotta love those! I call 'em Goosebump Sermons. Anyway...
This sermon was about how we as people get filled up with great things, but if we never release them we get too full and break open and fall into pieces and crazy stuff! And that the point of the gifts we have in our life is not to hoard them, but to share them. To take them in and let them go. I felt like the same was applicable to the not so fun stuff. Just got to take it in and let it go. So PG starts handing out candy from a prop he used and when he got to me he handed me a rock (in the sermon the rock represented certainties in life, like Love). I was very okay with this because I really like rocks. Yeah, I am one of those people.  But then I prayed with this little rock in my hand. And an idea struck me...
So I prayed over this rock for a little over a week. I prayed all of my worries and stresses into it. I prayed my past into it. My guilt into it. My hopes that distract me from God's will for me. Anything I could think of that I needed to let go of, I prayed those things into my little chapel rock. Then I decorated it and I prepared to let it go. I told some of my friends about what I was letting go of they (being the freaking awesome friends that they are) totally supported me in the best ways. And they joined me as I laid down my rock and left it. I left it away from me and where I live. And away from sight. 


As I laid down my rock I cried a lot. I knew it was time to let go of what was. A lot of the things I had to let go of where painful to walk away from. Some of it felt great to leave behind, but it was mostly just really hard. As we walked away though I dried my eyes and I felt the rest of the extra weight rise off of me. I think it stayed with that rock. It is there for me to remember how far I have come and the lessons I learned. But it is also there to be THERE and not hanging around with me. Life is for the living. And so we must go on living. 


I can't tell you how good it feels to have this weight lifted. I looked into the mirror when I got home and I smiled. Because what I saw was a beautiful, strong, brave, loving, caring person. And most importantly a lover of God.




I don't know what weight you are carrying around or how long it has been with you. But I hope you find peace with that weight one day so you can leave it in your past. And live in the now. It isn't to say that I will never feel stressed, guilt or pain ever again. But it is that I will be able to let it have its proper place in my life and escort it out when it has worn out its welcome. I hope that kind of relief can be experienced by everyone. Even if it is just once.