The Bucket List

Yep :) A long list of things that I want to do before the end of my time. Somethings I think would be really fun. Somethings I think will be terrifying. All things I think will be awesome and meaningful experiences. It's a working list so, if you have ideas to add let me know!

• Be a mommy
• Graduate College
• Own and home
• Have a goat

• Go on a hot air balloon ride

• Visit every continent  (except Antarctica...I'll pass on that one...)

• Build a snowman on Pike's Peak

• Sky dive

• Go to the top of the Golden Gate Bridge

• Scuba dive 

• Eat nutella crepes in England again. That was awesome

• Go camping for a full month

• Go to Canada

• Ride my bike to wherever I need to go for a week

• Shave my head (eep yeah we will see if that ever really happens..)

• Volunteer at a soup kitchen and/or a women's shelter

• Adopt an "Angel" every year at Christmas

• Go back to Jamaica

• Go to a Pride Parade 

• Live in a state other than Texas. At least for a little while

• Visit every state in the US (driving through does not count)

• Have a dog

• Build a tree house

• Do not need any long term medications before age 50

• Go to Graceland

• Have a paint fight

• Make a totally from scratch pizza

• Start a new family tradition

• Take horse riding lessons

• Learn to salsa, tango and square dance

• Go snowboarding

• Go sledding

• Snorkel or scuba dive in a shipwreck

• Jump off a cliff into water

• Pet a kangaroo

• Hold a baby tiger

• Pet a white tiger

• Hike in a rain forest

• Rock Climbing

• See Niagara Falls

• See the Grand Canyon

• Go to the Galapagos Islands

• Go to Mecca

• Go to Egypt
• Plant a tree for every child I have
• Have a garden

Here are some things from my list that I have already done, too :) Can't wait to see what else I get to do in my lifetime!

• Parasailing 
• Ice skating
• Work in a bakery
• Swim with dolphins
• Go to England
• Go to France
• Go to Jamaica
• Go to Mexico
• Cook a Thanksgiving turkey
• Find the perfect wedding dress
• Kiss in the rain
• Sing karaoke
• Canoeing 
• Water skiing 
• Knee boarding
• Banana Boating
• Tubing down the river
• Windsurfing 
• Feed deer by hand
• Go on an air boat (alligator watching)
• Snorkel

Not A New Years Resolution

I have not blogged in a while! Things get crazy sometimes. But this was something important to me so here we go.

I have a Bucket List. I have not posted that on here yet, although I imagine I probably will at some point in time. Anywho....

There are two very important things on this bucket list that I want to address right now.

The first is a goal that I set for myself sometime when I was in high-school probably my junoir year when I was making all sorts of life changes. This goal was to not need any sort of long term medication before the age of 40 (which has now been revised to age 50). This includes but is not limited to Blood Pressure Meds, Cholesterol Meds, Blood Thinners, Meds for Diabetes (which runs on my dads side of the family), anything related to regulating PTSD symptoms (which I believe I will be well in the clear for already) or anything else that is somewhat preventable. 

The second goal I set for myself on my Bucket List was to get fit before having kids. I still have plenty of time since serious talk about making babies won't start until at least my graduation (another Bucket List goal) in 2014, but getting fit is HARD and takes time. I want to get in shape and have a regular workout routine so that when we are blessed with little ones I will be able to continue to work out throughout my pregnancies and after and also so I can run around and keep up with my little tikes! Anyone who knows me knows that my future kids are of highest priority and to take care of them I must first take care of their mommy (and daddy)!

So as I see it there are only one way for me to reach these goals. Work at it. I have already been eating healthier and this semester from here out I want to be dedicated to getting to the gym! I do not want this to be a New Years Resolution. I want to be me valuing my life, myself, my children and my goals. I want to actively work at reaching those goals and being the best me I can be. 

I tend to fall off of the "Gym" wagon so feel free to keep me accountable! 

Here are some tools that will help me get to where I need to be:
-My Ninja! I was blessed with a food processor/blender after our wedding and I put it use nearly daily.
-New work out clothes. The only clothes I have had to work out in were old PTs from high school ROTC that were always three sizes to big anyway. Now I have clothes that are fitting and comfortable for the gym!
-Water bottle. Yep...I just now bought a water bottle for the gym. And this one is sweet. It has a bite-nozzle and a purifier. WOOT!
-TLUs gym and track. This is where I will be getting my sweat on. I plan on doing 1 1/2 to 2 hour workouts each day of the week. If anyone likes Racquetball....Lets do it cause the elliptical will eventually get boring. 


Also shout out to my lovely hubby that endured workout clothes shopping with me and making me feel great about my goals! The greatest complement a woman could receive is someone saying "You're going to be such an awesome mom". 

:D So there you have it folks! 
Have a lovely 2013 and may everyone stick to their goals be it year-long or life-long!

It's a Marriage Not a Wedding

So I have not posted in a while, but this is something that has been on my mind NON-STOP for ohhhh the past year-ish. So hold on tight.

When people say that a wedding day is all about the bride and groom. They LIE. The wedding has so little to do with the bride and groom. The HONEYMOON is for the bride and groom and most importantly the MARRIAGE is for the bride and groom, but the wedding is for everyone else.

I think this crossed my mind when I started drowning in wedding plans. 
The ever famous question, "Well, what does the bride want?"
Well frankly, when it comes to most of this planning this bride just doesn't care!

This bride wants everyone else to be happy!
(though that goal is impossible at best)

I have ideas for the wedding and somewhat of a vision. 
That being said, if it rained cats and dogs, the flowers were wilted and the cake said happy 50th Bambi, I would probably still be more than happy. Confused...but happy.

Trying to accommodate everyone else for this big event is HARD. 
Weather people don't like the date, or the whether or the time or the this or the that...
It's just hard.

I think think what makes it the hardest is that I just don't care as much as everyone else seems to.
The date is so the most important people in my life would be able to attend. 
December was because I don't like to sweat
The fact is you have to make the decisions     

The most important decision I made though, was my groom.

I look forward to the wedding, but much more so the Marriage I get to have with one of the most incredible people to ever grace my life with their presence. 

I get to wake up to a person that calls me beautiful when I have crazy hair and eye crust (sexy...I know)
I get to hold hands with the person that relaxes me through my tough days. 
I get to kiss the lips that tell me they love me and mean it
I get to dance with the person that makes me feel like nothing else in the room matters
I get to hug the arms that collect my tears when I am sad
I get to cuddle with the person that makes me feel safest.
I get to (one day) raise children with my best friend
I get to support the person that supports me
I get to learn with the person that challenges me
I get to love the person that loves me

And the best part is...
I get to do that everyday for the rest of my life. 
Even if the wedding day is a big flop.
Even if my dress is a couple sizes bigger than I'd like
or if my cake isn't perfect
or the party is small and simple (like I prefer anywho)

I get the ongoing experience of a lifetime.
No party is better than that.

Challenge Accepted

          Life has this obnoxious way of challenging people on a daily basis. Even though it is silly, it seems like life throws you a curve ball and when it sees you handled it well life takes that as a challenge to see how long it takes for it to knock you off your feet.          


          Writing has always been an outlet for me and generally speaking i am more comfortable with expressing myself in written words than talking. Maybe it is because i stutter. Maybe it is just because i have the time to edit the words to make them come out the way i wanted them to. Either way, here is some of my life at the moment. When i get past all this stuff and read this on later in life hopefully everything worked out just fine. I imagine it will.


          First, my new apartment. I am super excited about this. Feeling safe is a HUGE deal for me. I get along with most of my roommates remarkably well, but there is something about having a place that is YOURS to go to. Potentially a control issue? But having a place where if someone is there it is because you invited them. If you want to change something, you change it. If you want alone time you have your own spot. If you want a party, you have a spot. Dinner for two? Covered. Dinner for four? Sure, why not? More than that and you'll probably have people eating on the living room floor, but you get the point. Since i have been in college, it seems like no space is really mine. But, the new apartment is a place for me to feel completely comfortable. And comfort equals safety more times than not for me. Quite a few people i know have issues with non-married co-ed living. Those people have made their opinions quite known. But in my opinion, one of the best things you can do for your future marriage is to not go in blind. Love does not pay bills. Love does not clean. Love does not fix everything. Love can lead you to fix what needs fixing, but you still have to put in the effort. And better to know sooner rather than later if it is going to be more effort than either of you expect. Not to mention, my fiance and I have been doing the long distance thing for two years. I am ready to have him in my day-to-day life. So there is that.


          My second issue is that i have inadequacy problems. It takes 10 "atta girls!" for every "you suck". It is easier to focus on the 'you suck' comments. Past that, many people are good at identifying what bothers them and tend to not notice when things improve. So, if someone tells me i need to work on a particular area in life, i usually will. And when they don't notice, i feel like i failed anyway and that the time and energy was wasted. 


Which leads me to this.


          I have a incredibly difficult time making friends. When i do get close to someone, i get really really close. That person's opinion then holds weight, whereas most people's opinions i can let roll off my mind if they hurt. Anyone that knows me at all knows that my friends are some of the most important people to me and that i would do darn near anything for them. I think where i hit a wall is that because i feel like i can be so open and honest all the time with these people, it crushes me when they don't feel they can be that way with me. When i commit to people i have a very difficult time letting go of that. But if the other person isn't equally committed. If they have no desire to be. What do you do with that? I keep trying. Unfortunately, this has led to one common outcome. Me being hurt. Me feeling like somehow i should have been able to fix something that was there. I realized last night though that sometimes there isn't anything to fix. At least it isn't always something i can fix. I just feel like if both people in a friendship committed to being open and honest then they could work things out. But it requires both people. I can't hold myself accountable for the other person putting up walls. I can try to get over them, under them, around them or through them. But in the end the walls were the other person's. That is something they have to either be okay with or fix. I can't fix it for them.


I think that is all i got for this one. 

Twenty One

It is my twenty first birthday today. 
I won't lie, i have given in to the hype of it quite a bit.
But let me tell you what birthdays mean to me.


My birthday is a day specifically there for me to remember all there is there for me to remember and appreciate all that has happened to get me to where i am.


I know 21 seems young.
But as cheesy as it is, to me age is only a number that keeps track of time.
Not all that significant.
It is the experiences in that time that really matter.
And how you chose to handle them.


There are people i wish i still had in my life today.
People i had to let go of even though i did not want to.
But i understand that things today are exactly as they were meant to be.
They have to be.
If they were meant to be different they WOULD be different.
And they arent.


There are things that i would do differently in the past if i could.
But i cant.
So they are the way they are.


There are so many lessons i have learned.
Most of them far from classrooms.
Things that have built who i am as a person.
Experiences that have changed me to the core.


All those things are the things that count.
Not the sunrises you have lived through
Or each breath you have taken
Not the numbers on the calender 
Or how tall you have gotten over time.
That isnt how you can see how much you have grown.


Only you can see how much you have grown.
Only you.


I am Twenty One years young today.
I have not reached my peek in knowledge or life experience.
But what i have done is made it to the here and now.
How beautiful a thing that is to me knowing my own experiences. 


So today isnt just "let me get drunk because i can day!"


Today is a celebration of my life.
Who i am and who i am not
Who i have been and who i will be
Today is to celebrate my lack of responsibility, because that is just where i am in life.
Today is to celebrate growth in love, relationships, self worth and faith.
Today i get to celebrate me
And who i am meant to be here in this moment.
No worries about what was or what could have been.
Just enjoying me.
The beautiful creation i was meant to be. 

Then and Now

i try so hard to...
...do the right thing
...say the right stuff
...feel the right way
...react appropriately
...be better
...be stronger
...be braver
...be smarter
...be more open
...be more understanding
...be...just the way i want myself to be


sometimes i spend a lot of time feeling like my wheels are spinning and i am not going anywhere
like the stress of improving or trying to improve myself can just crush me


everyone has things they dislike about themselves
i think what bothers me most about me though is that i like most of the changes i have made in my life, but a few just seem to suck.


anxiety is a big thing for me
i feel it strongly and often
it can be so hard to let people near me when i feel anxious for many reasons that would take hours to explain. 
i just stress out a lot.
and i try to let my friends close so they can help me through it but then i stress about how they will react to it
i dont want to be a burden on them in any way
not that any of my friends have ever given me a reason to believe that they view me as a burden
and maybe my concerns in that area are not supported by much. im not saying it is logical. i am just saying i dont want my stress to stress anyone else out either. everyone has enough of their own stuff going on.


i get frustrated because i feel like i went through hell and back in high school and coped just fine. but now that i am away from the stressors i had back then and have room to breath i can now process how truly crappy some of the stuff i went through was. 
my brain never used to have a problem with it probably because it never had time to think about it. but now that i do i feel like a mess sometimes. 
it would be awesome to be like i was in high school and take everything in stride and with a smile on my face.
that just doesnt seem to be who i am anymore.


usually i end my posts with some awesome revelation about how i have grown up so much. i dont know how i really feel right now. so instead i think i will leave it like this
and hope that i will re-read this in the future and at THAT point in time maybe i can be proud of myself for growing past my anxiety.

Can't we all just get along?

Sometimes it gets me really down when people act like they have a say in who other people are or how they should be. 
It's okay not to like every one.
It's okay not to like every quality a person possesses.
But who are you to criticize? 
Who are you to say that you know best?
If that person is not hurting you then why tear them down?


I hate when people are mean to me.
Especially about things that have no effect on their lives at all.
Leave me alone. 
Let me be me.
If you don't like me, that is fine.
I don't live under the assumption that everyone should or would.
But don't be mean.


This whole thing seems very hypocritical at best.
But it is what is on my mind and has been for a few weeks.


If you don't have anything nice to say
Don't feel like anyone really needs to hear your hateful words.

Emotionally Wrecked? Or Emotionally Blessed?

I, for one, am a very emotional person. i would like to believe i am also fairly logical in most cases as well, but i am for sure an emotional being. 


For years in my life i have hated crying. i would hate crying in front of people. i hated crying alone in my room. the only really place i was comfortable crying was in a burning hot shower. 
crying seems to make emotions even stronger. 
i am not one of those girls that looks ridiculously cute when they cry either. 
i am gross.
my nose runs like it is in a marathon and my face gets as red as a strawberry.
i am just a gross, nasty crier. 
and what bothered me the most about crying was that it made me feel so weak. 
i have never liked to look at myself as a weak person, but when tears flood down your face and breathing gets hard it becomes difficult to see yourself as strong.
i am an emotional wreck. 
i will cry at nearly anything that gets me too happy or too sad or even too angry. 


but here is what i think is more true.


tears do not have to symbolize weakness or emotional fragility. maybe it can mean more.
maybe it can mean that you FEEL something. you have not blocked the world out of your life and shut down any chance of getting hurt. 
maybe you gave someone a chance, or two or fifteen. and maybe they need a sixteenth and maybe you will cry again. but maybe those tears just keep you connected to humanity.
they are not always a sign of this huge weakness.
tears mean you care.
tears mean that something matters to you.
that you opened up your heart to be vulnerable and someone hurt you, but you were strong enough to let them into your life and not shut them down.


the tears will dry.
you will get stronger.
and then you face the choice.
do you prevent the future tears?
do you protect yourself at the cost of isolating your heart from feeling anything?
do you build walls and burn bridges?
or do you forgive and continue to love and try?


no, tears do not mean you are weak.
tears mean you are strong.
you are a strong person that continued to let people into your life. 
you are a strong person who refused to harden their heart.


tears can make the outside so ugly.
but tears make peoples' souls shine.


i know what i feel and i FEEL a lot.
maybe i am a wreck. but i am a blessed wreck. 
and today is not the day that i am going to stop crying. 
i hope that day never comes. 
tears are beautiful.
they are real.


Luke 17:3-4 ESV Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, (4) and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”

It wasn't meant to be easy

loving your neighbor is always easier if your neighbor does "love-worthy" things...

but the path that God puts us on challenges our faith and strength. 

He never said it was easy.

He said it was right.

It takes more than love for a relationship to work

So i have been doing many more blogs recently than i had before. not sure what that means, but hey, i like writing what i feel and looking back on it later. it also gets me to focus on the things i really like about life and helps me to appreciate them. so here is another post!


My fiance and i have had quite a crazy relationship. and by crazy, i do not mean like the other guys i have dated who have broke up with me because i am not "pretty enough", because i won't put put or try to scare the crap out of me. the crazy i feel with patrick is totally opposite of all those things. our relationship is crazy because of how much we want to see each other laugh, how he never raises his voice at me, how we both listen to the other so we can really understand how they feel. but most of all it is crazy how much this kid trusts me. utterly insane. if anyone had ever told me a person could trust the way he trusts me and the way i trust him i would say that person is full of tomfoolery and have nothing of it. 


but seriously. one of my favorite things about patrick and my relationship with him is that early on we told each other what we could and could not expect from each other and how we wanted to handle those things. 
patrick has stayed so true to every word he told me that day and i find it remarkable. 


my biggest concern was one of my best friends (who really, at the time i hardly talked to..but the physical talking isn't what is important, it is the real feelings behind the friendship,eh?). my best friend happens to be a male. and we happen to have a very intensely strong friendship. he has helped me through the roughest times in my life, he has showed me God love for me before i even believed in God and he remains a constant support in my life.


i was terrified that any guy i dated would disapprove of how strongly i hold onto that friendship. but patrick has never even attempted to modify my friendship with james at all. he understands that it is healthy to have more than one "go-to" person, especially with patrick living so far away. and even though james and i get to hang out nearly every day and patrick is in lubbock, patrick still trusts me not to hurt or betray him. he never questions my faithfulness or integrity. beyond that he has expressed how happy he is that i have james in my life to be there for me and be my friend. that is crazy. crazy. crazy. crazy.


patrick and i loved each other from very early on in our relationship (though it took me a great deal of time accepting that lol), but just love on its own is not what got us to this point. Love is what opened the door to patients, kindness, understanding and trust. but undoubtedly you can love someone and lack all of the latter. 


i have said it before and i will say many times to come, God has opened up my heart through the people i love and the people that love me. patrick and james both being a couple of those people. i am so blessed to have a best friend that looks out for me to the extent that james does and i am so blessed to have my fiance who allows that friendship to blossom without question. that is crazy love. 

It takes more than love for a relationship to work

So i have been doing many more blogs recently than i had before. not sure what that means, but hey, i like writing what i feel and looking back on it later. it also gets me to focus on the things i really like about life and helps me to appreciate them. so here is another post!


My fiance and i have had quite a crazy relationship. and by crazy, i do not mean like the other guys i have dated who have broke up with me because i am not "pretty enough", because i won't put put or try to scare the crap out of me. the crazy i feel with patrick is totally opposite of all those things. our relationship is crazy because of how much we want to see each other laugh, how he never raises his voice at me, how we both listen to the other so we can really understand how they feel. but most of all it is crazy how much this kid trusts me. utterly insane. if anyone had ever told me a person could trust the way he trusts me and the way i trust him i would say that person is full of tomfoolery and have nothing of it. 


but seriously. one of my favorite things about patrick and my relationship with him is that early on we told each other what we could and could not expect from each other and how we wanted to handle those things. 
patrick has stayed so true to every word he told me that day and i find it remarkable. 


my biggest concern was my best friend (who really, at the time i hardly talked to..but the physical talking isn't what is important, it is the real feelings behind the friendship,eh?). my best friend happens to be a male. and we happen to have a very intensely strong friendship. he has helped me through the roughest times in my life, he has showed me God love for me before i even believed in God and he remains a constant support in my life.


i was terrified that any guy i dated would disapprove of how strongly i hold onto that friendship. but patrick has never even attempted to modify my friendship with james at all. he understands that it is healthy to have more than one "go-to" person, especially with patrick living so far away. and even though james and i get to hang out nearly every day and patrick is in lubbock, patrick still trusts me not to hurt or betray him. he never questions my faithfulness or integrity. beyond that he has expressed how happy he is that i have james in my life to be there for me and be my friend. that is crazy. crazy. crazy. crazy.


patrick and i loved each other from very early on in our relationship (though it took me a great deal of time accepting that lol), but just love on its own is not what got us to this point. Love is what opened the door to patients, kindness, understanding and trust. but undoubtedly you can love someone and lack all of the latter. 


i have said it before and i will say many times to come, God has opened up my heart through the people i love and the people that love me. patrick and james both being a couple of those people. i am so blessed to have a best friend that looks out for me to the extent that james does and i am so blessed to have my fiance who allows that friendship to blossom without question. that is crazy love. 

Take It Easy

So there is this adorable quality that i poses. losing everything i touch. i can never find my keys, my shoes, my hair ties and God forbid i do not text myself the aisle number i parked in at wal-mart. normally this freaks me out a bit and stresses me out a a lot, but i decided for the most recent time i forgot something to let it be a fun and God filled experience. after all, i do tend to be critical of how little some people have in relation to how much other people have. and what better way to appreciate what you DO have then to lose your purse for a few days?


i am fairly typical when it comes to the things in my purse. there is my license, bank cards, credit card, cash and cute pictures of my and my future hubby. this time (which is not the norm for me) i had my social security card in there as well so i could get it to seguin for when i apply to jobs and such. my keys were with me though. as my parents and i headed out to seguin from houston we stopped at a mcdonald's for breakfast where i left my purse. i didnt know this until hours later when my sister called me saying there was a note on my parents door saying i had left something at said mcdonal's that had my name and address in it and who to contact to get it back. YAY for good samaritans! 


usually my initial instinct would be sheer panic, especially knowing that my social security card was being trusted in a stranger's hands, however, i have been working extremely hard to control my anxiety lately and did not want to let this be a set back. i knew if she was going to steal anything, she already would have and probably would have never returned any of it at all. so i took a few deep breaths and called my mom who had already left seguin to head back to houston. she too was very calm, which helped my nerves a lot. (i think i feed off of other people's feelings a lot, so yay for mom being cool and collected!) 


we started a set up of who to meet up with and when and where so she could get my purse back for me. enter best friend james. james goes to school with me as well, but was still in houston at the time. he lives a bit of a ways away from me, but was still willing to grab my purse for me whenever my mom did finally get it.


there was a lot of miss communications and such, but finally (and day and a half later) my mom got my purse back and james picked it up. 


meanwhile my friends here in seguin were fantastic. thank God for the kindness of strangers and friends :) i did my best not to ask for any more than i really needed and my friends have been fantastic making sure i dont starve to death or anything too crazy. i never realized how hard it can be to ask for food. food for me has been (at worst) a credit card away. normally i could have three meals a day on campus with my dining card. so it was new for me for sure. but i really really raelly did not want to ask for any more than i really really needed. 


james gets back here with my purse tonight and i am taking my friends out to dinner, but til then i still want to let this be a good thing. not a bad thing.


i wtill have a bed to sleep in, friends for company (and i am sure food), a shower to wash in and a heater to keep me comfortable. any time my stomach has growled or rumbled through this experience though, i have taken the time to say a quick prayer for all the times that God has provided food to me and my family and all that He has done in my life. and i definitely thank Him for this situation. for being without for a while. i know by tonight i have all my money back and things go on just as they were before. but i hope that i can hold onto the many lessons behind this short adventure: you can be without and survive; ask for help; trust in others because they are not always going to do the easy things to hurt you; thank God for what you have; be thankful for the hearts my friends and family have; live. and to just be okay. 


my happiest part of this is that even though coordinating the efforts to get my purse back was difficult i did not let it get me down or stress me out. no panic attacks happened and i am doing just fine with the support of everyone who has been involved :)


so thanks to Davie and mcdonald's for getting my purse to my mom, my mom for being so patient and getting my purse back for me, james for driving all the way to my house to pick up my purse, Liz for lunch and diner yesterday, lauren for endless fun and patrick for keeping my spirits up to and really appreciating the experience i was hoping to get out of this. life has been too good to me. God has been too good to me. and it is too easy to forget that, at least for me it is. 


"And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you" Luke 11:9 King James Version

Words of Wisdom

Alright, alright so Jenna Marbles is incredibly vulgar and she uses the B word way too much. the moral of the story is pretty awesome though :)

Cant We All Just Get Along <--- Jenna Marbles

Bye See You Later!

So the people on my mom's side of the family always "Bye, see you later" instead of goodbye. This is a tradition that i believe came from one of my uncles as a kid and i really like it, especially now that i am in a long distance relationship. 


Christmas break is wrapping up. My fiance just left today and i am not exactly sure when i will get to see him again. For sure in March for spring break, but i am hoping at least once before then as well. When i decided to transfer out of the college we both went to i did not see it working out with us. He was committed to trying so we gave it a whirl. 


i think i have been in love with him much longer than i let myself believe it. the distance is what got me to really believe it though. every time we have to part it never fails, i cry like a big baby. usually it starts a couple days before he even has to go. i love all of my friends and family and all. i am even super tight with my two besties at school. but i have never cried at just the thought of being separated from someone for even just a short while.


my poor fiance, bless his heart. holds me non-stop the days that he leaves. today we sat on the couch with my head on his chest and his arm so perfectly around me. i feel so safe in his arms, which is a feat within itself for me. he kept asking what i wanted to do, but i couldnt think of a single thing that was worth leaving his arms to do. so i just said "i want to do this". so we just sat there in each others company, much like the end of most of our visits go.


i thought saying goodbye, or 'bye see you later' would get easier with time. as it turns out, it only gets harder. i am so excited that this is the last semester of this though! he will graduate in may and live with me and life can settle down a little for us. no more 9 hour drives or months without hugs. i will get him every night. i never believed that there was a person i could feel this way about. someone who could take all the things i like about myself and enhance them. to take the happiness that already existed in my life and elevate it. that is true love. 


home is where the heart is and soon my home will finally be here with me. God has blessed both of us in so many ways and i am too excited for the adventures ahead of us.

My Good Friend Fred

So, I am still in good ol' Seguin. My friends that are here were all taking finals today, but i finished mine yesterday. I was here still because i had some unfinished business to tend to aka waiting for a tow truck to come take one of my best friends away. 


i would not say i normally cling tightly to all of my belongings, but a couple of my stuffed animals and my car, Fred, i have clung to like flea on a dog. There is something secure and comfortable about these things to me. Mainly my car.


I have tried to pin point what it is that makes me so attached to this car that no longer can get me from point A to point B, but nothing has seemed to justify the extreme loss i feel when i think about it. There are so many reasons to love my car, but i feel like i am invested in this car as though it were a person. and a person, it is not. 


I have been through so much with that car. in high school and my first year of college it was a get away. I would always take the longest way home or to church that i could find and if i wasnt ready to get out get i would just go around the block a few times. maybe take an adventure to see streets i hadn't been on and stuff like that. i would sit in that car for hours with my friends after JROTC practices and just talk. hours upon hours of just idling and talking. 


I got that car my sophomore year of high school, so it has been with me for about six years or so.  i know its weird traits like the whistling noise the AC makes and that the trunk door was replaced and then i broke it again. the AC is the fastest i have ever felt. the stereo was my whole first pay check from Quizznos. it got me all the way to lubbock and back several times. 


it is so hard for me to let go of what has always been. and that car was always there. mainly because it is a car and does not have a choice. it is where ever i put it. i never had to worry about if it was too busy or had something else to be doing. that car was always right there. and it has always been reliable. 


the transmission is going out now and that pretty much totals it out since how old it is. and even though i have this new car (which is still incredibly awesome) i am sad that in the morning Fred will be gone. i am not all emotionally attached to the new car yet and i dont know if i will be or not. it feels like a car. but Fred felt like a person. a person that never lets you down. which is silly to think since the new car is always going to be exactly where i put it as well...but oh well. love just dont make sense now does it?

Friends are Forever

So for any one who does not know, my favorite set of verses from the bible are Ecclesiastes chapter 4 verses 9 through 12. 


"Two are better than one, because they have good reward for their labor. For if they fall one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together they will keep warm; But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken." New King James Version


This has been my favorite verse pretty much since the summer i accepted God into my life. I read it, and all of Ecclesiastes so often that those pages have quite literally fallen out of my bible. As i have grown i have also been able to find more and more depth to this passage. 


It first struck home with me because i did not feel like i had any friendships that could meet the standards of those words. While i had good and reliable friends, i did not feel as though i had a bond with them to the extent of always being there to help each other up or keep warm. this passage was the exact idea of the friendship i yearned to have with someone else. anyone else.


i had my first conversation about this passage with a very dear friend of mine, Ron, who i would consider family any day of the year now. he showed me this deeper meaning to the passage i already loved. he said that friendship is depicted as the Threefold Cord that can not be easily broken; I was one of the cords, my friend (which ever friend...we were talking in very general terms) was another of the three strand cord, and those two cords are woven together by the third cord which is representative of God. God creates this bond and braids the different strings together and includes Himself in the friendship that is being built. i really liked this depiction of friendship and that concept has stayed very strongly with me. 


since then i have analyzed my friendships and compared this verse to them which sometimes can lead to great disappointment, but mostly leads to comfort and joy. i also analyze the verses more and more.

Two are better than one, because they have good reward for their labor...


to me this does not mean they have great reward for labor as in physical labor or jobs that they perform. because really, people can do jobs on their own and still be 'rewarded' or paid. to me the word labor in this context means the labor put into the friendship. friendships are not easy. in fact at some points they are dang near impossible. but when two people set a common goal to put forth a valiant effort to love, support and care for each other they are committing to enduring the labor that it will take for the friendship to be successful beyond just friendly hellos, but to the point of keeping warm together and lifting each other up when they fall. 


For if they fall one will lift up his companion....


this one seems like a little less effort to unpack. one falls down and the other lifts them up. but if you look carefully it does say if THEY fall, not if one falls. so the picture that comes to my mind is a little like this... these two people are hiking and they both stubble and fall. they both struggle to get up, but one succeeds first. this one perhaps succeeds because they were physically stronger to begin with or maybe they were less injured. or maybe it is because they know the other person NEEDS them to be able to get up. no where does it say that one ever falls alone though. when one friend falls, the other falls as well. the other feels the pain that the first feels and he overcomes it so he can help his friend up. but neither falls alone. the other is there falling with him.


But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up...


this person, the one who has not built a relationship with anyone that is woven together by God, he falls alone. no one feels his pain because no one has that love for him that God does. this may be because this person shut everyone out or maybe it is because everyone shut him out. either way, he does not have that friend to be strong for him. to fall with him and then lift him up as he stumbles. this is not to say that God has left him alone because everywhere in the bible says that God does not leave or forsake anyone. but perhaps we should look at ourselves when this happens. when we see someone fall and no one can help them up. maybe it is a failure on our part to love them as God loves them.


Again, if two lie down together they will keep warm...


no, this does not mean sex...from what i see it refers to the fact that body heat helps keep warm. and for two friends to lie down together to keep warm shows their comfort and love for each other. they can lie together and know that it does not have to be awkward. it is just what you do to be warm. and they both love each other to want to lie together and benefit from each others warmth as they let the other person benefit from their warmth as well. 


But how can one keep warm alone?...


same concept as before. this person is left cold and shivering and has no one willing to be comfortable and secure enough to provide that warmth that they naturally posses. it is sad...


 Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him...


there is power in numbers. this has some strong psychological support as well. if one person stands alone they may be more easily manipulated by others, but if they have someone sharing their stance it becomes much easier for them to hold their ground. they can be less influenced by negatives around them and a positive influence on each other. with two people there is also more physical strength than there is with one person and that never hurts lol. i do my best to stand up for my friends even when i know they are wrong. everyone needs someone in their corner. this doesn't mean i do not call them out when they are wrong, but i try not to do so in front of other people so that said friend is not "overpowered" by two people against them.


And a threefold cord is not quickly broken...


i went into this part earlier. the three strands are You, Friend and God braided together to become strong and lasting. a support system that withstands way more pressure than any one person could do on their own. a threefold cord can not be snapped or destroyed under pressure.




I know have many friends that i feel like i could apply these verses to. i try to keep this passage in mind as i develop friendship, though often i fail to love people as God does. in fact, this blog is a little bit to call myself out on that. i do what i can and when i cant, i learn. 


i really appreciate the friends i have in my life that have held me when i am cold and helped me up when i have fallen. i even more appreciate when you guys allow me to keep you warm and lift you up as well. we are in it together and i will be strong for you when you are weak as you have been and continue to be for me. there is nothing more important in this life than love, and the love i feel from my friends is incredible and irreplaceable. there are so many cords braided together in my life that i do not see how it could be possible for me to ever be alone, even if i tried. people love and support me too much for that to happen. you have no idea what that means to me. i won't ever take that for granted.

My Safe Place

So recently i have been working on this self-help-esk book for anxiety. anyone who knows me knows i get anxious especially at this point in the semester when everything is due and finals are starting to creep up in the back of our poor college brains. 
in this book there is a series of questions that help you define what makes you feel "safe"
and i just about died when this book told me to close my eyes and get to my "safe place"


really??? do they really use terms like that? is that suppose to make you feel not-crazy?
yep, that is my exact reaction to almost anything out of my box. 
but i figured what the heck, i obviously got the book because i was out of my own ideas so i might as well try these other silly ideas. make up this fictional so called safe place that doesn't exist in this world. a place you could only dream up. 


this is what i came up with...


i like cool weather with a brisk breeze. that kind that if you had a light jacket you might put it on, but it wasn't cold enough to walk back inside to get one.
the places i feel most comfortable are outdoorsy places where the only noises you hear are ones nature was making long before people were on this planet. sunning water, chirping birds and maybe the occasional scurrying of a raccoon or something. 
i like being around trees that look like they grow into the sky high enough to not be able to see where they stop. especially in the autumn when the leaves are yellow and red, some on the ground and others barely hanging onto the tree for just a couple more days. i would want a tint and some fishing  poles. and probably a butt ton of roman noodles because i know i would throw all the fish i caught back. but just a sleeping bag and tint to sleep in. the bare necessities. (and of course i always have perfect hair in my safe place. priorities people).
i would want this safe place to be a hike away from the real world. no high-ways or even cars allowed at all. maybe just a river that runs into a pond with a big rock that sticks up in the middle of the pond for me to sit on. 
surrounded my the smell of trees, morning due and pollen. with the crunching of those fall leaves under my bare feet. deer to feed and fish to swim with. 


that is my safe place.


i closed my eyes this morning and let that place be the place i was in. i put my mind in that place. i just sat in bed a stayed in that place. 


yep. God proves me wrong again. this place i thought did not exist...it really does. it does not because i can see it or you can see it but because i say it does. and because i can go there and you can go there with me. (my safe place is always welcome for company, but you get hugs in my safe place so be warned). it's real not because it is a place that can be driven to or a destination to be reached. its real because it is what peace is. at least that is what peace is for me. that is how peace look, feels, sounds and smells. it's a place that God has given me that i can go to no matter what state i am in or how busy i am. it is just there. waiting for me to decide that's where i want to be. 


so, i do agree that everything i just said sounds silly and ridiculous. i really do. but that peace was overwhelming in me throughout this day so far. so i don't care if its silly. because it makes me feel good. i know i probably wont always go there when i should, but i will try. and when i forget, maybe i will look back on this and remember that God made a safe place for me and He made it inside of me.