Yep :) A long list of things that I want to do before the end of my time. Somethings I think would be really fun. Somethings I think will be terrifying. All things I think will be awesome and meaningful experiences. It's a working list so, if you have ideas to add let me know!
- Be a mommy
- Graduate College
- Own and home
- Have a goat
- Go on a hot air balloon ride
- Visit every continent (except Antarctica...I'll pass on that one...)
- Build a snowman on Pike's Peak
- Go to the top of the Golden Gate Bridge
- Eat nutella crepes in England again. That was awesome
- Go camping for a full month
- Ride my bike to wherever I need to go for a week
- Shave my head (eep yeah we will see if that ever really happens..)
- Volunteer at a soup kitchen and/or a women's shelter
- Adopt an "Angel" every year at Christmas
- Live in a state other than Texas. At least for a little while
- Visit every state in the US (driving through does not count)
- Do not need any long term medications before age 50
- Make a totally from scratch pizza
- Start a new family tradition
- Take horse riding lessons
- Learn to salsa, tango and square dance
- Snorkel or scuba dive in a shipwreck
- Jump off a cliff into water
- Go to the Galapagos Islands
- Go to Egypt
- Plant a tree for every child I have
- Have a garden
Here are some things from my list that I have already done, too :) Can't wait to see what else I get to do in my lifetime!
- Parasailing
- Ice skating
- Work in a bakery
- Swim with dolphins
- Go to England
- Go to France
- Go to Jamaica
- Go to Mexico
- Cook a Thanksgiving turkey
- Find the perfect wedding dress
- Kiss in the rain
- Sing karaoke
- Canoeing
- Water skiing
- Knee boarding
- Banana Boating
- Tubing down the river
- Windsurfing
- Feed deer by hand
- Go on an air boat (alligator watching)
- Snorkel
I have not blogged in a while! Things get crazy sometimes. But this was something important to me so here we go.
I have a Bucket List. I have not posted that on here yet, although I imagine I probably will at some point in time. Anywho....
There are two very important things on this bucket list that I want to address right now.
The first is a goal that I set for myself sometime when I was in high-school probably my junoir year when I was making all sorts of life changes. This goal was to not need any sort of long term medication before the age of 40 (which has now been revised to age 50). This includes but is not limited to Blood Pressure Meds, Cholesterol Meds, Blood Thinners, Meds for Diabetes (which runs on my dads side of the family), anything related to regulating PTSD symptoms (which I believe I will be well in the clear for already) or anything else that is somewhat preventable.
The second goal I set for myself on my Bucket List was to get fit before having kids. I still have plenty of time since serious talk about making babies won't start until at least my graduation (another Bucket List goal) in 2014, but getting fit is HARD and takes time. I want to get in shape and have a regular workout routine so that when we are blessed with little ones I will be able to continue to work out throughout my pregnancies and after and also so I can run around and keep up with my little tikes! Anyone who knows me knows that my future kids are of highest priority and to take care of them I must first take care of their mommy (and daddy)!
So as I see it there are only one way for me to reach these goals. Work at it. I have already been eating healthier and this semester from here out I want to be dedicated to getting to the gym! I do not want this to be a New Years Resolution. I want to be me valuing my life, myself, my children and my goals. I want to actively work at reaching those goals and being the best me I can be.
I tend to fall off of the "Gym" wagon so feel free to keep me accountable!
Here are some tools that will help me get to where I need to be:
-My Ninja! I was blessed with a food processor/blender after our wedding and I put it use nearly daily.
-New work out clothes. The only clothes I have had to work out in were old PTs from high school ROTC that were always three sizes to big anyway. Now I have clothes that are fitting and comfortable for the gym!
-Water bottle. Yep...I just now bought a water bottle for the gym. And this one is sweet. It has a bite-nozzle and a purifier. WOOT!
-TLUs gym and track. This is where I will be getting my sweat on. I plan on doing 1 1/2 to 2 hour workouts each day of the week. If anyone likes Racquetball....Lets do it cause the elliptical will eventually get boring.
Also shout out to my lovely hubby that endured workout clothes shopping with me and making me feel great about my goals! The greatest complement a woman could receive is someone saying "You're going to be such an awesome mom".
:D So there you have it folks!
Have a lovely 2013 and may everyone stick to their goals be it year-long or life-long!
So I have not posted in a while, but this is something that has been on my mind NON-STOP for ohhhh the past year-ish. So hold on tight.
When people say that a wedding day is all about the bride and groom. They LIE. The wedding has so little to do with the bride and groom. The HONEYMOON is for the bride and groom and most importantly the MARRIAGE is for the bride and groom, but the wedding is for everyone else.
I think this crossed my mind when I started drowning in wedding plans.
The ever famous question, "Well, what does the bride want?"
Well frankly, when it comes to most of this planning this bride just doesn't care!
This bride wants everyone else to be happy!
(though that goal is impossible at best)
I have ideas for the wedding and somewhat of a vision.
That being said, if it rained cats and dogs, the flowers were wilted and the cake said happy 50th Bambi, I would probably still be more than happy. Confused...but happy.
Trying to accommodate everyone else for this big event is HARD.
Weather people don't like the date, or the whether or the time or the this or the that...
It's just hard.
I think think what makes it the hardest is that I just don't care as much as everyone else seems to.
The date is so the most important people in my life would be able to attend.
December was because I don't like to sweat
The fact is you have to make the decisions
The most important decision I made though, was my groom.
I look forward to the wedding, but much more so the Marriage I get to have with one of the most incredible people to ever grace my life with their presence.
I get to wake up to a person that calls me beautiful when I have crazy hair and eye crust (sexy...I know)
I get to hold hands with the person that relaxes me through my tough days.
I get to kiss the lips that tell me they love me and mean it
I get to dance with the person that makes me feel like nothing else in the room matters
I get to hug the arms that collect my tears when I am sad
I get to cuddle with the person that makes me feel safest.
I get to (one day) raise children with my best friend
I get to support the person that supports me
I get to learn with the person that challenges me
I get to love the person that loves me
And the best part is...
I get to do that everyday for the rest of my life.
Even if the wedding day is a big flop.
Even if my dress is a couple sizes bigger than I'd like
or if my cake isn't perfect
or the party is small and simple (like I prefer anywho)
I get the ongoing experience of a lifetime.
No party is better than that.
Life has this obnoxious way of challenging people on a daily basis. Even though it is silly, it seems like life throws you a curve ball and when it sees you handled it well life takes that as a challenge to see how long it takes for it to knock you off your feet.
Writing has always been an outlet for me and generally speaking i am more comfortable with expressing myself in written words than talking. Maybe it is because i stutter. Maybe it is just because i have the time to edit the words to make them come out the way i wanted them to. Either way, here is some of my life at the moment. When i get past all this stuff and read this on later in life hopefully everything worked out just fine. I imagine it will.
First, my new apartment. I am super excited about this. Feeling safe is a HUGE deal for me. I get along with most of my roommates remarkably well, but there is something about having a place that is YOURS to go to. Potentially a control issue? But having a place where if someone is there it is because you invited them. If you want to change something, you change it. If you want alone time you have your own spot. If you want a party, you have a spot. Dinner for two? Covered. Dinner for four? Sure, why not? More than that and you'll probably have people eating on the living room floor, but you get the point. Since i have been in college, it seems like no space is really mine. But, the new apartment is a place for me to feel completely comfortable. And comfort equals safety more times than not for me. Quite a few people i know have issues with non-married co-ed living. Those people have made their opinions quite known. But in my opinion, one of the best things you can do for your future marriage is to not go in blind. Love does not pay bills. Love does not clean. Love does not fix everything. Love can lead you to fix what needs fixing, but you still have to put in the effort. And better to know sooner rather than later if it is going to be more effort than either of you expect. Not to mention, my fiance and I have been doing the long distance thing for two years. I am ready to have him in my day-to-day life. So there is that.
My second issue is that i have inadequacy problems. It takes 10 "atta girls!" for every "you suck". It is easier to focus on the 'you suck' comments. Past that, many people are good at identifying what bothers them and tend to not notice when things improve. So, if someone tells me i need to work on a particular area in life, i usually will. And when they don't notice, i feel like i failed anyway and that the time and energy was wasted.
Which leads me to this.
I have a incredibly difficult time making friends. When i do get close to someone, i get really really close. That person's opinion then holds weight, whereas most people's opinions i can let roll off my mind if they hurt. Anyone that knows me at all knows that my friends are some of the most important people to me and that i would do darn near anything for them. I think where i hit a wall is that because i feel like i can be so open and honest all the time with these people, it crushes me when they don't feel they can be that way with me. When i commit to people i have a very difficult time letting go of that. But if the other person isn't equally committed. If they have no desire to be. What do you do with that? I keep trying. Unfortunately, this has led to one common outcome. Me being hurt. Me feeling like somehow i should have been able to fix something that was there. I realized last night though that sometimes there isn't anything to fix. At least it isn't always something i can fix. I just feel like if both people in a friendship committed to being open and honest then they could work things out. But it requires both people. I can't hold myself accountable for the other person putting up walls. I can try to get over them, under them, around them or through them. But in the end the walls were the other person's. That is something they have to either be okay with or fix. I can't fix it for them.
I think that is all i got for this one.
It is my twenty first birthday today.
I won't lie, i have given in to the hype of it quite a bit.
But let me tell you what birthdays mean to me.
My birthday is a day specifically there for me to remember all there is there for me to remember and appreciate all that has happened to get me to where i am.
I know 21 seems young.
But as cheesy as it is, to me age is only a number that keeps track of time.
Not all that significant.
It is the experiences in that time that really matter.
And how you chose to handle them.
There are people i wish i still had in my life today.
People i had to let go of even though i did not want to.
But i understand that things today are exactly as they were meant to be.
They have to be.
If they were meant to be different they WOULD be different.
And they arent.
There are things that i would do differently in the past if i could.
But i cant.
So they are the way they are.
There are so many lessons i have learned.
Most of them far from classrooms.
Things that have built who i am as a person.
Experiences that have changed me to the core.
All those things are the things that count.
Not the sunrises you have lived through
Or each breath you have taken
Not the numbers on the calender
Or how tall you have gotten over time.
That isnt how you can see how much you have grown.
Only you can see how much you have grown.
Only you.
I am Twenty One years young today.
I have not reached my peek in knowledge or life experience.
But what i have done is made it to the here and now.
How beautiful a thing that is to me knowing my own experiences.
So today isnt just "let me get drunk because i can day!"
Today is a celebration of my life.
Who i am and who i am not
Who i have been and who i will be
Today is to celebrate my lack of responsibility, because that is just where i am in life.
Today is to celebrate growth in love, relationships, self worth and faith.
Today i get to celebrate me
And who i am meant to be here in this moment.
No worries about what was or what could have been.
Just enjoying me.
The beautiful creation i was meant to be.
i try so hard to...
...do the right thing
...say the right stuff
...feel the right way
...react appropriately
...be better
...be stronger
...be braver
...be smarter
...be more open
...be more understanding
...be...just the way i want myself to be
sometimes i spend a lot of time feeling like my wheels are spinning and i am not going anywhere
like the stress of improving or trying to improve myself can just crush me
everyone has things they dislike about themselves
i think what bothers me most about me though is that i like most of the changes i have made in my life, but a few just seem to suck.
anxiety is a big thing for me
i feel it strongly and often
it can be so hard to let people near me when i feel anxious for many reasons that would take hours to explain.
i just stress out a lot.
and i try to let my friends close so they can help me through it but then i stress about how they will react to it
i dont want to be a burden on them in any way
not that any of my friends have ever given me a reason to believe that they view me as a burden
and maybe my concerns in that area are not supported by much. im not saying it is logical. i am just saying i dont want my stress to stress anyone else out either. everyone has enough of their own stuff going on.
i get frustrated because i feel like i went through hell and back in high school and coped just fine. but now that i am away from the stressors i had back then and have room to breath i can now process how truly crappy some of the stuff i went through was.
my brain never used to have a problem with it probably because it never had time to think about it. but now that i do i feel like a mess sometimes.
it would be awesome to be like i was in high school and take everything in stride and with a smile on my face.
that just doesnt seem to be who i am anymore.
usually i end my posts with some awesome revelation about how i have grown up so much. i dont know how i really feel right now. so instead i think i will leave it like this
and hope that i will re-read this in the future and at THAT point in time maybe i can be proud of myself for growing past my anxiety.
Sometimes it gets me really down when people act like they have a say in who other people are or how they should be.
It's okay not to like every one.
It's okay not to like every quality a person possesses.
But who are you to criticize?
Who are you to say that you know best?
If that person is not hurting you then why tear them down?
I hate when people are mean to me.
Especially about things that have no effect on their lives at all.
Leave me alone.
Let me be me.
If you don't like me, that is fine.
I don't live under the assumption that everyone should or would.
But don't be mean.
This whole thing seems very hypocritical at best.
But it is what is on my mind and has been for a few weeks.
If you don't have anything nice to say
Don't feel like anyone really needs to hear your hateful words.
